Riding the Slipstream

I am a hypocrite and selfish, and not proud of it! There's this colleague in my department, who insists on striking up conversations with me at the most inopportune times… no make that… all the time, and asks what can only be described as the m-o-s-t inane questions. Now she is a nice person, sweet and innocent and kinda pretty in that girly sense, but someone should really give her the low-down on what a low-life I really am. Ok, ok… I am not a low-life, a bit of a bad boy perhaps, but I have done a few things in my time on earth that will make her skin crawl and reach for a shotgun. I am not the kinda person someone like her should be hanging around with, not at the office and definitely not outside of the office. We should not be seen together in the same universe. She is too goody-goody for any man, except perhaps the messenger boy, but he is only 18 years old and a late bloomer. In the past I have always tried to be nice to her, but it takes so much out of me that I am seriously contemplating going into the boardroom and hanging myself. I do not suffer fools gladly, but somehow I cannot get myself to tell her off! She is tooo freaking… NICE. She is always ready to help me out when I need assistance with extra work, a new project, a small favour here and there. In today’s dog-eat-dog corporate world, it is kinda nice having someone around that you can “lean” on. Well, it seems I am selling my soul for these favours and I hate every minute of it. Fuggit… now I seem like a manwhore… of the non-sexual-favour variety(?). Perhaps it would have been bearable if I had been attracted to her, but there is no spark… no attraction… whatsoever. She could be my grandmother for all I care. My mate reckons she is coming on to me, but she has never steered the conversation in that direction. Now that I could deal with. Her questions aren’t even sexually suggestive in nature… they are just silly… annoying… a slow and painful death. She would ask me crappy things like: Do you love your girlfriend? (No, I don’t, that is why I’ve been with her for the past year. I am just fucking with her brains) Can I talk to you for a minute? (Yeah sure, I have nothing better to do… not since you spoke to me over 2 minutes ago) Oh, you were so mean to Hilton this morning. Why? (Like I fuckin’ care… Hilton is an outright prick and I am not going to stand by while he spreads his vermin around the office) So, when are you planning on getting married? (I don’t know, all this free sex I’m getting is kinda awesome right now… so why ruin it with something like marriage) How many girls have you slept with? (Hell I don’t know… there was this one time I thought I slept with the entire netball team… turns out it was only a dream) Will you ever be able to get it on with a man? (Yeah sure why not, I am just a dumbfuck and I am not choosy about who I get it from… just as long as I get some. You know… the messenger guy's looking kinda hot and sexy lately. Rooaarr!!!) Someone push a drinking straw into my ear and suck my brains through it... I am dying here!