Riding the Slipstream

Sex has always been a dicey subject for me and when my sister asked me to speak to my nephew on the subject; I was more than a little alarmed. ME: There is no way you can expect me to do this! No way! He's your son. What on earth makes you think I am equipped to talk to him about this? SHE: In case you haven’t looked in the mirror lately… you are a man and I’d rather have you speaking to him about this than his father. (She’s divorced and the Ex is persona non grata. She is still not over the fact that he walked out on them) ME: [V], he is turning 14 this year. It may be a bit presumptuous of me, but common sense tells me you should have talked to him about sex and puberty over a year ago. ‘Coz if you haven’t done so by now, I am sure he already got the short and sexy version from his mates at school. SHE: Of course I spoke to him about puberty and sex. It was the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever had to do and at the end of it we both agreed never to bring it up again. Hence, I am asking you. M (laughing): Ok… so what you need me for? SHE: Well, I walked past his room this morning and I think he was… (She leans forward and whispers to me) uhm… masturbating. ME (somewhat surpised): Masturbating? Oy! (At this point I am thinking, "way too much information on the nephew". I wanted to ask how she came to this conclusion, but thought it better not to know the inimate details) SHE: Yes. And will you stop laughing? This is serious. ME: Uhhh... yeah… whatever you say. What do you want me to say to him? Would you rather he has unprotected sex with girls his age? Considering the alternatives, masturbation is safe and harmless and I am sure all the boys of his age are doing it. Come on, he’s only experimenting, for crying out loud! SHE: That is not what I meant. Listen, just talk to him about it, okay? ME (still amused): You know of course all those stories mom and dad fed us about going blind, infertility, hairy palms, etc. aren’t exactly true. SHE: Yeah, I know, I know… just let him know it is…well… okay and talk to him some more about safe sex, girls, and the consequences of teen pregnancy, etc. ME: Uh… you sure you want me to do this? SHE: Being sure has nothing to do with it, but right now, you are all I’ve got. ME: Thanks for the vote of confidence, sis, and the glowing recommendation. I’ll be sure to include you on my resume. I still remember the time when I reached when reached puberty. My father handed me a book and said, “Here, read. And if you have any questions, you can speak to me or your mother about it” Short and sweet… no fuss. I read the book and didn’t ask them a thing. I wasn’t going to risk it. Knowing my parents, going to them for answers would have been disastrous and embarrassing. Besides, we kind of had a history of avoiding the truth about sex. When I was 7 or 8 years old, I finally plucked up the courage to ask my parents where babies came from. My mom looked at my Dad, who looked at my Mom, who then related to me the myth about the stork who delivers babies. The woman did not even blink once. Brilliant! So, for many years after that I was convinced that I needed to have sex with a long-legged bird in order to have children of my own one day. Abstinence seemed like a gift from God. I dunno how to breech the subject with him. Uncles aren’t meant to do these things. I think I’ll stall until he’s 18, hire a porno and hand him a six-pack of beers to go with it. “Here, watch. And if you have any questions, you can speak to me about it” Hopefully, he'll be to drunk to say anything.