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Monday, September 26, 2005 

Nobody does it like me

Some day soon I am going to learn to do things the right way and NOT make an ass out of myself. In my defense, I ought to be able to get away with the same things others seemingly get away with. You know what the worst thing about being pulled over by the traffic police is? The flashing blue lights and that uber loud and annoying siren! I ask you, could it get any worse?! You hear that siren, your blood freezes and every fiber in your body goes into shock… the kind of paralysing shock that says I-am-so-dead. They may as well have a big flashing neon arrow on the roof of the car with the word TRAFFIC OFFENDER written all over it, pointing directly at you. It is Saturday afternoon and I am at the corner of Katherine and West when I realise that I am in the wrong lane. The lane I am in is for cars turning left only and I should be in the lane for cars turning right. An honest mistake and one that is very easily rectified. Just proceed to the next intersection, turn the car around, head back to the intersection you came from and get into the right road. Not so easy when there is a NO U-TURN sign at the next intersection. Yep, the universe is conspiring again! So I look around and I see there are only two other cars at the intersection, no cars behind me, but more importantly, THERE ARE NO ONCOMING CARS! I figure perhaps I could make a quickie u-turn. Who will ever know? It would be like the tree falling in the forest and nobody hearing… uh… yeah, perhaps not quite that easy. And if by chance someone were to notice, there’d be no harm. I would get back to where I should be, and in the end that is all that counts. (The little guy sitting on my shoulder is a charm). Yeah, I know, I prolly deserve to be bitch-slapped, so quit shaking your head and waving your finger at me. What’s with the holier-than-thou attitude anyway… don’t tell me you have not broken a dozen or two traffic rules? Besides, the Chitster is genetically programmed to do stoopid things. The traffic light goes green, I allow the other cars to move and make my “teensy-weensy” illegal turn. Whooo- peee… I made it… or so I thought. The next minute, all hell breaks loose and there are sirens and flashing blue lights everywhere. Where the hell do these police cars come from? How the hell do they manage to materialize out of friggin’ nowhere… like the goddamn genie from Aladdin’s’ lamp. And it is not only the police… suddenly the intersection is filled with cars and as if they had been summoned to witnesses to your heinous crime. And they all give you that look… the one that says, “You should be ashamed of yourself”. Oh man, how embarrassing! The cops of course take their time in writing out the ticket (so that more ppl can see you). They walk around the car and ask you questions that are designed to get you to implicate yourself. “Good afternoon, sir. Are you aware that you just made an illegal u-turn?” Don't you just love how they phrase the questions? What could I say to them? No and deny that the sign never existed? Where is all that crap about the tree falling in the forest when you need it? A fine of R800.00 later and with the self esteem trampled to bits, I finally manage to get away from there. No more, I tell you! No more!

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