Let's take it from the top... one more time.
Who hasn't questioned a choice they’ve made or wondered what their life would be like today if something that had happened in the past had turned out differently. That inconsequential decision, for example, that led you to meet the love of your life or that job that lead to financial independence and success. Sometimes, small choices change everything.
The boss and I had THE meeting yesterday (Again! Leave me be already!)to discuss my “future” with the company and revisit my decision to leave at the end of this year. Actually he had a discussion with me, because in my mind that ship had already sailed. I had said all I wanted to say to him the day I walked into his office with my decision to resign.
And having reached that point, I prefer not to be confronted by the alternatives, the pros and cons and the “what if’s”. Yep, I am an ostrich and sometimes, just sometimes, the world seems a whole lot better when you bury your head in the sand.
Admittedly and to some extend, I am being cowardly about it and do not really want to face up to the reality of what my life may be like a few months from now. I tell myself I have plenty of time to figure things out. The naked truth is, I do not have the luxury of time. I may be out of work come December 2005 with no steady income, etc. The adventurer in me reminds me that there is world of opportunities out there and new things for me to do. But adventure and misplaced romantic notions do not pay the bills nor does it put food on the table.
When I walked into my boss’ office two months earlier, high on my own bravado and perceived self-worth, it took a lot of guts. I had spent many long hours mulling over my decision to move on and I have thought about it even more since then and there are times, now, when I doubt myself.
When I discussed the decision to quit with my father a few days prior to that meeting in July, I thought he was going to crucify me. My old man comes from a generation of people where providing for his family was a man’s ultimate goal. There was no time for dreams and frivolities. In his day, a man had to go out there and do what he needed to do, not only for himself but because other people depended on him. He is a no-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is man and the only person that can get him to listen is my mother. What he lacks in book knowledge he made up for by an abundance of practical know-how and, more importantly, a kind heart. He looked me in the eye and said, “You go right ahead and do what you feel is right. Life isn’t very long and you are the only person who can put a measure to your success”. Knowing my dad, I expected a one hour lecture from him… but he didn’t. At most I expected him to tell me to let go of my foolish childish notions and be a man. None of that. He just left it up to me. Wow! [flashback to the Invasion Of The Body Snatchers]
So I sat there and listened to my boss going on and on about the job market, unmeployment and the scarcity of jobs, the bright future I have with the company, how I should not make hasty decisions and about the new position coming up in my department. All of which makes perfect sense and yet none of it really spoke to me on my level.
Ok... at some point I may have spaced out and floated away on a bubble to a planet inhabited by female warriors and came back just in time to hear him finish off his inspiring soliloquy. But mostly... I listened.
What he doesn’t seem to understand is that I am no longer happy working here. The job is no longer a challenge and that I do not want to work as a marketer all my life. I don’t want to end up banging my secretary ten years from now because I am tired of life and need excitement. I do not want to look back in a few years time and regret that I have played it safe and sold out to my insecurities.
I don’t want to work here because of all the reasons he just mentioned. I don’t give a rats ass about the prospects and the security and all the crap he’s trying to shove down my throat. I am u-n-h-a-p-p-y. All the security and money in the world cannot buy my happiness.
So I wait patiently for him to finish and I thank him for the time and the support. I jokingly tell him that the next time I need advice, I will ask for it. My decision to leave stands and that I will be leaving the company at the end of this year.
Do I have brass balls? I doubt it… not since the last time I checked. Am I a delusional fuckwit living a wet dream? More than likely. Am I sticking to my decision to leave because I am too proud to retracting my resignation? Not a fucking chance! I have my pride, but I’ll get down on my hands and knees and do whatever I have to do while I’m down there, if I have to.
I don’t have a fuggin' clue what next year will bring and what the bloody hell I may be doing. And that there is a pretty humbling and sobering thought, let me tell you. This is scary $hit! All I know is that whatever it is… I won’t be doing it by working here.
[There's the soft ruffle of wings and I watch my last chance to change my mind fly out the the window]
