Out on a limb
Every Wednesday morning, we have a departmental status meeting where tons of rubbish and mumbo-jumbo are thrown around. Mostly it is an opportunity for people to share with others what a great job they are doing and have your 15 minutes of fame on a small on a scale. Normally I am pretty good at keeping up my end, but this morning, I was completely out of it.
Now, I know my job and the industry I work in and honestly speaking, I know it very well. I get my work done efficiently and on time and I pride myself that others can come to me when they need help. But every now and again I slip up and allow things get out of control, especially when it comes to things I do not enjoy.
The meeting usually starts with the manager giving us feedback on the business and departmental issues. Each person in turn gets to speak about issues affecting them and where they are in terms of projects, work, etc.
Manager: "Well Peter, how is your workload? Any issues you’d like to share with us?”
And we treated to 6 minutes of action packed commentary crammed with marketing/financial jargon that in actual fact means very little. Don’t get me wrong, the guy is good at his job. I just hate how he postures himself when it comes to these meetings. [In the meantime I pretend to take notes while drawing little stickmen on my notepad]
The boss is obviously pleased with the update and he congratulates Peter on the speed and efficiency of his operation.
Next up is Donovan. (He’s the guy who took over my portfolio when I resigned from my position)
Donovan: "Well, I've mostly been focusing on... (7 minutes of stuff; lots of emphasis on net revenue, gross margin, market share, etc.). He uses lot of acronyms and I sometimes wonder if he makes those up prior to coming to the meeting. The boss seems to like what he says so I pretend that I am interested too. I have in depth knowledge of what he's working on and I ask a few pertinent questions. [In the meantime, I have progressed to drawing little stick girlfriends for the stickmen]
Manager: "Excellent work, Don. Chitty, how about you?"
Chitty: "Well, I have completed my analysis on the new concepts research that was completed in August. The results are looking good (lying). My report will be ready on Friday. As soon I have entered the data onto a spreadsheet and applied the formulas, I will sit down with the statistician to confirm the math and the conclusions reached in my analysis"
There’s long period of complete silence, as they wait for me to expand on that, but I can't, because I am basically lying my ass off. I’ve been procrastinating since the research was completed and I do not even have topline results to share with them. I am dead in the water.
Peter: "Hey Chitty, they’ve just completed research on the same concepts in LatAm (short for Latin America) I'm guessing he wants me to get in touch with my counterpart in Sao Paolo and get feedback from them. He may as well have quacked like a duck, because I don't hear a word he's saying. All I can think is, “dammit, how did I get stuck with doing this boring market research job?”
Chitty: "Uh, yeah, thanks Peter. I will give [insert name] a call right after. It will be great to get input from them on how the concepts fared over there. The two markets overlap significantly in the areas covered by the research. I am sure the LatAm results will back my initial findings. It will also help us to adjust and optimize the concepts for maximum market potential and to re-evaluate the marketing mix. [Oooh, my head hurts!]
Peter: "Great. I'm sure [insert name] would love to compare notes and get your input.
Chitty: "You got it. [write "this shit is bananas!" ala Gwen Steffani on notepad]
Manager: "Also, ... (more white noise). I throw in the occasional “sure, will do” and "ok" and nod when I'm supposed to.
[I repeatedly bounce my pen off the notepad. Whoo-hoo! Every single one of my stickmen now has a bad case of acne].
"So, can you get schedule a full presentation of the results when you get a chance? Early next week will suit me fine."
Chitty: “Say no more… already done! I am all over it. [Underline "this shit is bananas” on the notepad… twice, and draw a little smiley face next to it]
We move on to the next person. Once again, ladies and gentleman, the Chitster is in a league all of his own!
