Riding the Slipstream

My girlfriend has no sense of direction. And when I say no sense of direction, I mean no sense at all… nada… zilch. She could get lost in her own backyard even though she lives in a complex and her garden is about the size of my office. I just spend 40 minutes on the phone giving her directions to where she wanted to go. It would have saved us both a lot of time if she had just come by my office, picked me up and took me with her. I basically made the entire journey with her even though I did not set a foot outside of my office. When I started off by telling her, "You have to head north on the N3", all I got in return was silence. Eventually she replied, "I haven't the slightest idea which way north is. Tell me where to go in terms of suburbs and buildings and landmarks." Luckily for her I am a super being with a photographic memory (NOT!) and can remember every detail of every road and every landmark on the way to a place that I have never been to myself. What could be simpler than that? I was completely stumped. ME: Uhhh… honey, do you have a map book of JHB and its suburbs with you in the car? SHE: Yes, I do, but that I do not know how to use it. ME: So what do you use the book for? SHE: Oh in case there is someone with me and they can look up the directions in the book. (Now why didn’t I think of that… of course… the answer was staring me right in the face…. Aaarrgggghhh) ME Oh really…? That was all I could get out. I honestly did not know what else to say. Anyway we managed to get her to where she wanted to be. Of course I am now completely bald as I had managed to pull all the hair from the top my head. I’ll stick it back on with superglue before I leave this evening. Step by grueling step, with her relaying information to me regarding the road she was on, the road signs she saw, the lane she was in and the speed she was traveling at. More information on the buildings and landmarks she passed along the way, traffic lights, the occasional car passing her, etc. We lost the cell phone signal a few times and that just made it all so much easier. Two silly kids in love, traveling the highways and byways of JHB’s northern suburbs. Oh what fun we had!!! If you are ever in JHB and you somehow manage to get lost, please call me up… I’m in the book under:

I’d be only too happy to be of service. Note to self: If you should ever break up with the current gf, a STANDARD pre-requisite for any potential new gf would be the ability to read a road map. In fact, knowledge of roads and maps is an absolute MUST. Now go and play with your little compasses... Uncle Chitty wants to slip into a coma.