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Monday, August 08, 2005 

When the truth isn't enough

Livewire’s post about honesty got me thinking of instances when being honest just does NOT seem the right thing to do. I am not advocating dishonesty or deceit and my post is tongue-in-cheek and hardly in the same class as Livewire’s. But... do any of these sound familiar to you? When applying for a new job; What is your greatest weakness? Oh that would be… I am a schizophrenic cross-dressing sex addict. Whoo… I am so glad we got that out of the way. Phew... I feel so much better. Why did you leave your last job? Well, my boss was an ass and there was this one time an amount of R50,000 mysteriously found it way into my private bank account. How do you feel about teamwork? Love it! Love it! Love it! There is no “I” in team is there… hahaha? What did you like best about your last employer?” If I liked it over there, why am I sitting across from you and having this interview? (Of course you lie and tell them how great your employer was). When stopped by the police, one is practically forced to lie. Not because you want to, but because of how the questions are asked. Are you aware that you just went through a red light? Red light… what red light? Uhhh… did I mention I am colourblind. Yeah, I cannot see red… red appears grey to me. So, officer… how about the Boks, huh… wow… what a great game they played on Saturday?! Are you aware that you exceeded the speed limit? "Uhhh… no" Now would be a good time to pretend you are deaf and start communicating in sign language. Remember first dates? How does one tell the whole truth without frightening the life out of your date? So… how long has it been since your last date? Two years and counting… I like animals... do you like animals? Are we talking about you or the four legged kind? Do you believe in love at first sight? I have no problem with the notion that one person can love another from the moment they meet. It is the second sight, usually the day after or later, that bothers me. What do you look for in a partner? You tell me what you have and I’ll agree. How’d the two of you break up? I think it was the incessant jealousy and stalking that finally drove her over the edge. My favourites. Do you think this is funny? This question is usually asked by someone in authority, like your parents or your boss when you screwed up badly. Now this is a tricky one. The short and fast answer is a flat out, “NO sir/ma’am”. Now if only you can stop giggling and shaking uncontrollably. Does this dress make me look fat or do you think my ass looks big? Every man on the entire planet has or will at one time in his life face up to this one. My advice, “LIE, LIE, LIE and if that doesn’t help… lie some more. Do you think so-and-so likes me? (Usually someone who is completely out the league of the one who’s asking) I am sure they do! Are you kidding... what’s not to like about you? You are young and single and quite a catch. So… does this mean you are thinking of asking her out? Take a guess… how old do you think I am? Whoa… hehehe… tough one. You don’t look a day older than 30. (Secretly thinking… you must have been around since before WW2) And when they tell you their real age, you fake surprise and say, “ Oh really? Wow… one would never say!” I’d settle for them picking a number and telling me what it is. Remember when your mother asked you, “Did you pray before you started eating?”. Usually happens just after you took the first mouthful. No there’s a lie just waiting to happen. There’s no way you can say no. Not unless you want to get the speech on how there are so many children less fortunate than you are. I can’t wait to have children of my own so I can play the same tricks on them… hehehe. Why aren't you married yet? (#1 personal favourite) Hahaha… I usually try to walk away and say, “Can I get you something to drink? I am thinking of getting an eintire bottle of tequila for myself. I just bet your single friends just love being around you”. Have you ever cheated on your gf? Yeah, I do it all the time. Since we are getting personal and nosing around in each others business… how many affairs have you had since you got married? Are you excited about the performance appraisal you are having with the boss? Yeah sure, I simply love it when he craps all over me about things I should’ve done and could've done. Thank God for those 6 margaritas I had at lunch time. How about credit applications. Do you have a history of bad debt? “No. Although… there was this tiny little incident… a long long time ago... but I am sure you don’t want to know about that”. Medical aid/doctors visits. How many alcoholic beverages do you drink a day? (Embarrassing moment!) Uh… Two… per week. Yeah that sounds like an average number of drinks. The doctor doesn’t need to know I hit back a whole bottle for the last 4 nights in a row. What does a guy have to do to get a drink around here? For the smokers, How many cigarettes do you smoke a day? Five!! Five sounds like a really nice number. Actually, it’s more like five packs day… but who’s counting. 5 cigarettes… five packs… yep, close enough. How may sexual partners have you had in the last year? Uuhh… ONE, well... maybe two… and there is no way you can make me admit to more. You know, usually I am too out of it to know, but since you absolutely have to have a number…. Two it is.


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