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Thursday, July 28, 2005 

A 21-gun salute from the Dept of Special Projects

  1. Positive proof that God despise motorists. When a bird kaks on your car’s windsreen, you need a bucket of hot water, soap and a scourer to clean it off! What the hell is in bird-crap!? No amount of rain and windscreen fluid can wash it away.
  2. If you are going to light up a cigarette, why would you ask me if I mind and then proceeded to light up before I had time to answer you?
  3. On death row… why would they take so much care before administering the lethal injection? Are they scared they will pass on a lethal last-minute infection?
  4. For all the multi-skilling abilities a woman processes, why would she reverse into another car for no apparent reason? Just start up the car and reverse into the car parked 20 meters behind you.
  5. If good things come to those who wait, why hasn’t anyone become rich by sitting on their asses and doing nothing all day?
  6. If vitamins are good for you, why do vegetables taste so bad? Is it God’s attempt at a little irony?
  7. When you paint a picture of somebody naked, it is considered art. Why is it porn when you take a photograph of someone when they’re naked?
  8. If God wanted us to be thin, breathing would burn more calories.
  9. The true definition of starving is craving for pizza, fried chicken, fried chips and a beer at 3 AM on a Saturday morning.
  10. A forklift picking up a crate of forks would be an example of a piece of machinery doing exactly what it was intended to do.
  11. Some people claim that it will always rain after they had washed their cars. If all 6,456,646,398 people on earth (making allowance for those who don’t own cars) were to wash their cars on consecutive days, would the sun become redundant?
  12. You know how they say that music sounds better when you are drinking. In that case, would it make sense to sell Michael Bolton CD’s with a bottle of Jack Daniels?
  13. Why is it when a guy says to you, "I don't want to sound gay or anything", they very next thing they is so gay that it defeats the purpose of him saying so in the first place?
  14. Nice eyes and a great smile on a guy is the same as big tits and a nice ass on a girl. Why then is the one a compliment and the other not?
  15. Why is it when you ask someone’s opinion on a proposal you’ve written, all they do is fix up the spelling and grammatical errors. I guess the content paled in comparison to the enormity of the errors.
  16. People always say, “I probably shouldn’t be saying this” and then go ahead and say it in any case. Whould it be bad manners to say, "You shouldn't" and then walk away from them?
  17. You may never forget how to ride a bike, but try rollerblading a year after the last time you did it.
  18. Good Advice: Never eat buffalo wings when you had too much to drink. You’ll only end up with skid marks on your face.
  19. Why would someone cc's you on an e-mail and yet a few days later enquire whether you’ve completed the job since the person they sent it to has not come back to them? Does cc have a hidden meaning I don't know about?
  20. When someone takes something from your desk, why do they wait until you start asking around to tell you that they have it?
  21. In an action movie why does the hero always find time to make out/have sex with the girl at the precise moment when their lives are most in danger?


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