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Wednesday, October 19, 2005 

Chitty! Chitty! He's our man! If he can't... (slap!)

My girlfriend has one of those fancy hand-held Braun multi-mixers. You know the one with all the attachments that allows you to use it for all kinds of things around the kitchen. Quite a nifty piece of equipment, I would say. I haven’t actually used it, but she says it is nifty, so I believe her. Actually she does not allow me to go near it, so I watch from a distance while she does all of those crafty things with it. Whipping and slicing and dicing and chopping and grinding, etc. I am so getting one for myself! Anyway, the damn thing broke and no longer working. So I offered to look at it for her. I mean, what are boyfriends if they can’t do things for the women in their lives? Plus, taking things apart, fixing it and putting it back together is bloody macho, if you ask me. If I were a girl, I would want a guy who knows his way around appliances. Like MacGyver and all the other friggin' guys who walk around in overalls and carry big toolboxes with all sorts of tools and shit in them. A real man’s kind of man! ME: Do you want me to take a look at it for you? It may be something small and it may only take a minute. GF: Honey, does that mean you are going to… well, open it up? ME: Ya well, I kinda have to see what’s inside, you know. How else am I going to see what is wrong with it? No more than a quick look-see. For all you know it may just be a loose wire. GF (sounding kinda nervous): Uh… you know what? I just remembered. (lotsa giggles). It is still under guarantee. Yeah, I only bought it a few months ago. Perhaps I should take it back to shop and let them have a look at it. Wouldn’t want that guarantee to go to waste, would we now?! (more giggles) ME(disappointed): Oh ok… if you say so. Where’d you buy it? GF: At Boardmans. The one at the mall… close to the optometrist. ME: Oh good! Well, I drive past the mall every morning on my way to work. I can drop it off for you. It’s no big deal; I’ll drop it off at customer services. GF: Thanks… so nice of you. Lemme get you the guarantee and the till invoice. (Kisses me on the forehead). I leave her place soon after and take the doomed appliance with me. As soon as I get home, I think to myself, “What if I could actually fix it?” There is no harm in taking a eensy-weensy look inside. I’ll keep all the screws and pieces together and put it back together exactly the way it was. Every hook, pin, screw, nut, bolt, gear, spring, bushing, staple, clip, clamp, strap and wire. So, I take out my tool kit and open the little bugger up. "Hehehe… who’s you daddy now?" I mean, really, what is a guy to do? On the drive home , it was just sitting there next to me in the car… calling out to me in that seductive nymph-like voice,

“Oh please, take me apart? You can fix me up, you know you can. I don't want to go back to that awful shop”.
How could I say no? I had to do the honourable thing... see what’s inside. Besides, just think how happy the gf would be if I brought back to her the next night. Like new. It is now in a million little pieces at my house. I tried to put it together again, but when I was done, there were a couple a screws left over and I did not know where they were supposed to go. Also, there is a distinct sound, kind of like the sound a coin makes when falls onto the floor, when you give it a slight jiggle. I know it is not supposed to do that. Dammit, they don’t make things like they used to. So tonight, straight after work, I am going to the shop to buy her a new one. I have already phoned ahead and they have the same model in the exact colour. I am so lucky! I may even buy one for myself. Yeah, and best I don’t mention the whole taking-the-appliance-apart episode to her. She would never understand. I’ll just put in a plastic bag and throw it in the trash… quietly. Still I can’t help thinking what an achievement it would have been had I been able to fix it up and put it all together. Given my track record, I would probably never experience a moment so sublime this side of eternity. (Sigh) [Haloscan (grrr...) is on the blink and you may not be able to make any comments.]


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