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Thursday, October 06, 2005 

Random realisations on a Thursday

I am seldom satisfied with the present. I am always looking out for something better… for greener grass, sunnier skies… and now that summer is here again… skimpier dressed women. Most times however I find myself blissfully hiding away in a state of mushy nostalgia longing for things that could have been. Other times I am constantly making plans, scheming, plotting, and playing out the future in my mind. Of course not all of my schemes come to fruition. Some are farfetched, others are just plain silly and ludicrous. Yet even though I fail and make mistakes, I rarely regret my actions or the time spent on doing what I did. Time is only wasted when you learnt nothing. I have a little box labeled “Chitty-isms” and I look through it every time I need a good laugh. [Clarification: it is a mental box and not an actual physical one] Talking about growing up. A friend asked me a while ago who I would single out as the most influential person in my life. For the life of me, I could not think of anyone in particular! It was kinda disturbing at the time, as if having a role model is something any normal person would have. It's one of those questions you feels you should have the correct answer for, and I don't. But then I got to think about it for a little bit. I think I take bits and pieces from the various people I come into contact with (whether I meet them personally or read about them in books or magazines). The people I idolize and admire aren’t necessarily the people I school my life and actions on. They shape my peripheral vision and are add-ons to what is already there. I have however come to realise that much of my life up to this point has been centered around the women in my life. My childhood, my adolescence, adulthood… defined by my utter and lifelong dependence on women. It is a strange realisation to come to and I sometimes wonder if that is normal. It is the truth nonetheless. Should I have had a greater dependence on my father? I do not know. I cannot remember a time when a woman did not plays a pivotal role in my past, my present and what seemingly is my future. I am not saying that I schooled my life on female values or that I am incapable of taking care of myself. There is however a strong thread of female dependency that runs though my entire life… the operative word being, dependency of course. There have always been, still are and always will be many strong men in my life too. There’s my gentlemanly, yet stern and ambitious father. My uncles, the mates, teachers and the football coaches. These guys shaped my belief in the value of my own life, my strength and self esteem. Yet, my dependence on the women in my life makes up for a large proportion of who I am, intellectually and spiritually and how view I ppl around me. I remember the women in my life with nothing but gratitude, my mother, my sisters, the teachers and all the girlfriends that shared my life at some point . My dependence may be my downfall one day. Until then … I guess I’ll enjoy the ride. I think I’ll call me mom and tell her I love her.


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