Riding the Slipstream

The phone rings. LINDA: My hands are full. Could you answer the telephone for me? (She's holding a large pile of files in her arms) ME: Sure. Do you want me to take a message and tell them that you will call back? LINDA: Yeah… ok. Just find out first who it is and what they want first. ME: Ok ME: Good morning. This is Linda So-and-so’s desk. How may I help you? VOICE: Good morning. May I speake to Linda, please? ME: I’m sorry. Linda is not available at present. Can I take a message and ask her to call you back? VOICE: This is Linda’s mother speaking. I need to speak to my daughter urgently. (Her tone of voice tells me she is not about to take no for an answer) I put my hand over the receiver and relay the message to Linda, who’s still standing there with the pile of files in her hands LINDA (panicky): I don’t want to talk to her! Tell her anything... tell her I am in a meeting and will call her back. Tell her the building is on fire! Please, I cannot talk to her… please? ME (in my most sincere voice): I am sorry Mrs. Blah-blah-blah, Linda is in a meeting right now. I will ask her to call you back as soon as she comes out of the meeting. I'll be sure to tell her it is urgent. VOICE: You call her out of that meeting right now, young man. It is a matter of life and death and I have to speak to hear. (She is practically shouting at me down the line at this point in time) I have to talk to my daughter, do you hear me?! (I hear you woman… but your daughter does not want to talk to you!) I cup the receiver again and tell Linda that her mother is friggin hysterical and that she had better take the call because I am starting to feel really uncomfortable. Linda just looks at me, still holding the friggin files in her arms. Why on earth she hasn’t put them down yet is beyond my comprehension. LINDA: Please, I cannot deal with her right now. (As opposed to whom… me? Do I look like I have experience in dealing with the family matter of others?) ME (curtly): Mrs. Blah-blah-blah… I cannot call Linda out of her meeting. It is obviously a personal matter, so I will put you through to her voice-mailbox and you can leave a message for her. (That sunny disposition I’ve been nurturing all morning, has just flown out the window) I frantically press the re-call button and punch in the extension number for Linda’s voice-mailbox. Oh boy, the recall button on the phone does not work. Fuck this, I am not dealing anymore!! ME: You have reached the voice-mailbox of Linda So-and-so… Please leave a message after the beep. (I punch the one of the buttons on the keypad for the sound effect) BEEP! VOICE: I know you are still there. I recognise your voice from earlier on. (Fuck… In my ruffled state I had forgotten to disguise my voice. Caught out! The old hag is on to me) ME (knowing the game's up): I am sorry. The voice mailbox you are trying to reach is unavailable at this time. Good bye and have a nice day. I slam the phone down. (Linda can deal with this) LINDA: Chitty, I am so very sorry. I promise to make it up to you. ME: Shut up. I am not listening to explanations. Your mother will prolly call back, so I suggest you get as far away from your desk as you possibly can. I take a brisk walk to the men’s room. I barely make it inside and I burst out laughing. I laugh so much, I have to sit down on the floor. Dammit, that was badly executed. That has got to go down as one of the worst bluffs in the history of the telephone. Linda does not know it yet, but I am getting her back for this one.