I should come with a warning label!
What is it about a beautiful or attractive woman that instantly turns a man into a bumbling idiot? I wish I knew the answer. Yesterday was a good day, even by my standards. Well, that was until after I picked my nephew up from rugby practice and decided to stop off at the mall on the way back. I was running low on groceries and a quick stop-off at Woolworths would tie me over until the weekend. Even a bachelor has to eat, some time! I did not want to go looking for an empty parking space, so I headed straight for the parking lot on the roof. There’s always parking space on the roof. I found a space close an entrance and took the 3(?) sets of escalators down to the ground floor. Thinking back, I probably should have taken the lift. The mall was still fairly crowded at this hour, although most people were on their way home. Everything went well until just before I got to the ground floor. It was at this point that my guardian angel flew away to do some window shopping, because what happened next can only be described as a fluke. OK, let's stay on topic... So there I was, on the escalator… minding me own business. The nephew's a few steps in front of me and I am doing what most people do on escalators.... I watch the people on the floor below me, walk by. When suddenly out of the corner of my eye, I saw what could only be the most beautiful, sexiest woman on the face of the planet. Now I don’t normally go around gawking at beautiful women (yeah right), but this chica was sheer poetry in motion! She looked like one of those girls you see in the Pantene ads... a real show stopper! I swear she even walked in slow-motion and it may have been my imagination, but I could hear Joe Cocker singing, You are so beautiful To me You are so beautiful To me Can't you see You're everything I hoped for You're everything I need You are so beautiful To me [click] Fool that I am, I turned around on the escalator to get a better look at her, as she walked right by me. And as a result of this brilliant move, I am now travelling down the escalator facing... backwards. At the bottom of the escalator, there's a metal pole, just beyond the last step, to prevent people from getting on with their shopping trolleys. As I reached the bottom, the heel of my left shoe caught on the stationary bottom step and I lost my balance. In order to regain my balance, I stepped back with my right foot and bumped into the pole... with my ass. The momentum carried me backward and my arms instinctively reached out for something to hold on to. Of course there was nothing but air and, next thing I know, I landed on my ass. The heel of my other foot was still on the bottom step, just where it disappeared under the lip, and I could not stand up. In the meantime the foot was on a slow journey towards my ass and I started to look like a friggin human pretzel. Arms flailing about, and legs kicking, while people were frantically trying not to land on top of me. My nephew, who found this incredibly funny, finally managed to grab a hold of my collar and pulled me back just enough to get my foot on solid ground. That escalator was about to come alive and swallow me whole, starting with my foot. It was vicious, I tell you! Now the peculiar thing about making an arse of yourself, especially in front of a small crowd of people, is that you want to get away from the scene of the crime. And while some people are genuinely nice in asking you if you are ok, you really want them to leave you alone so that you can run away and hide in the dressing room of the nearest department store. I dusted myself off and managed to mumble a barely audible, "I’m ok”. I even managed to smile as I bravely forced the blood that had accumulated in my face back down to my chest cavity. No mean feat. The beautiful girl was of course completely oblivious of the drama that had ensued. In fact she did not even stop… just kept right on walking. How rude! The least she could have done was look back to make sure I was ok. Who am I kidding, she had no idea of the role she played in my near-untimely demise. Life is so unfair and we men are such suckers when it comes to a beautiful girl. I’ve learnt my lesson, but can I promise it won’t happen again? Probably not. I am just another bumbling idiot, after all!