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Wednesday, April 12, 2006 

Message in a bottle

[This one is at the insistence of Terri, IITQ and Zenstar] I lost my dignity on the N3 north, or at least the bit that was left of it ater falling down at the mall. It is Sunday. We had just finished shopping and what was supposed to be a half an hour drive home, has turned into a 2 hour slog. Some idiot had the audacity to drive badly and cause an accident!! Traffic was piled up for kilometres. Even worse, we are stuck in the middle lane and I… (theatrical pause)… have a pee. I tried to hold it in for as long as I could. Really. I tried. (Damn the 2 Savannas I had with lunch) ME: Uh… [S], I have a code-red emergency. I think I have to go. SHE (jokingly): Yeah right… funny. You can’t go in the middle traffic on a highway. ME (panicky): I am not joking. How far is it to the next exit? Maybe we can get off the highway there? SHE: We missed the exit. Try and hold on until we get home or at least until the next exit, will you? ME: Don’t think so. (pause) Maybe I could open the door just enough and kinda go on the side. Do you think anyone will notice? SHE: Of course people are going to notice. We’ll probably get arrested for public indecency. ME (breathing hard): Ok, I have an idea. Perhaps, I can pee in the car? SHE (shocked): You can’t pee in the car! That would be insane! ME: I don’t mean it literally. Is there a bottle around here I can pee into? What about that carton of milk we bought at the mall. I could empty it and then use it to pee in? SHE: (laughing): Now there is something I never thought I’d ’witness…my boyfriend whipping it out and peeing in a milk carton in the middle of a freakin’ highway. I am sure we’ll start moving any minute now… just hold on (long pause as reality sets in). [K], If I have to watch you pee, we are so NEVER having sex again… EVA! ME: Hon, If I don’t pee now, I will injure myself and we will never have sex again, even if you wanted to. I really, really, really have to go. I CAN’T keep it any longer and I’ll end up pissing in your car anyway. SHE: Wait! There is an empty coke bottle in the cubby (glove box). You can use that! I open the cubby and the bottle is still there. Thank God. I am still the favourite son, or so I thought. Now trying to go while sitting in a car, fully clothed, is a unique sensation. It is awkward and nasty, but then so is a grown man wetting himself. Suddenly it seems as if the whole world knows your business and is looking in your direction. I try and maintain a blasé facial expression as best I can. Whatever happened to people minding their own bloody business? Lesson 1: A man cannot pee in a bottle while sitting down in a car. His anatomy does not allow it to happen. On the other hand, if you lie back too much, you cannot see what you are doing and the bottle might overflow and spill into your lap. So I inch down as much as I can, which amounts to basically nothing. I nervously unbutton my jeans and slide it down, just enough, to allow me the necessary freedom. (i.e. free up Mr. Floppy and get it to point in the right direction) In the meantime, the girlfriend is freaking out, “will you be careful with that thing”? [I sincerely hope that she is not referring to my penis as “that thing”] “I think the woman in the car next to us, can see you.” ME: You know what, [S]… I couldn’t care less. If she wants to see my penis…let her go right ahead and look at it. She‘s so old, I bet she hasn’t seen a live one in a long time. Nothing will stop me now. Lesson 2: You’ll have trouble starting and when you do, it is difficult to control the flow. The same mechanism that prevents you wetting your bed, kicks in, and makes letting go in public, almost impossible. Anyway, I finally get it going. The strangest thing is you have this weird feeling that you are wetting yourself, even though you are doing fine. People are looking at you and they don’t suspect a thing. I am almost done, when lesson 3 kicks in. Lesson 3, which should actually be Lesson 1 as it is the most important one of all: Check the capacity of the bottle… before you go! There is nothing worse than discovering that the bottle may be too small. You hear the pitch of the flow rising and you start to suspect, “This baby is too small and it is going to overflow". Fuck! ME: Uh… [S], I think the frikkin bottle is too small. SHE: No, it is not. It is at least 500ml. Damn, now you made me look. Relax, there’s enough space. You know, this has got to be the most unglamorous thing you have ever done. ME: I am not exactly having fun, you know. You try pissing in a bottle while lying down. This is worse than that dream where you get to work and realise you have no clothes on. Finally, I am done. The world is right side up again and resumes its wobbly journey around the sun. I cap the bottle and pull my jeans back up. So now I have a coke bottle full of what looks and feels like warm apple juice. YUK! It is not a good feeling. Freaky deluxe! Mom was right after all; always go to the little boys’ room before you go on a long journey. Oh, and just in case… always keep an EMPTY bottle in the car.

rofl rofl rofl
oh my god dude... that is one of the funniest things i have heard in a long time.
man... i'm glad we insisted you tell us the story.
you're lucky that a 500ml was enough btw (you must have a teeny bladder)
i once had to use some big coffee jars (don't ask)... that were at least 500ml... i suspect more.
anyway, i filled up one and half filled a second.
stopping the flow to switch is almost impossible (especially while holding a jar of urine).
luckily i didn't need to sit in the driver's seat at the time (i was in a kitchen... and no, i couldn't use the sink as there was a giant window next to it looking out onto the street).
but that was all a long time ago ;)
you're story really made my day! thanks.

hmm, interesting things you didn't know about your boyfriend... i'm going to have to ask Zenstar about the coffee jar incident when i get home :)

zenstar: it is psychological I suppose. When you are unable to go, it just seems bigger and more urgent.
Now u have to share the coffee jar incident, dude.
As for going in the sink... that a whole different story. Let's leave that one for another day.
moonflake: Be glad you didn't have to witness it. It may be funny in retrospect, but up close it just seems wrong!

my day's made as well. thanks for pressuring him, guys. let's hope he continues in this vein. chitty - keep it coming!

Yeah i know the feeling of peeing on your pants while everything is going fine. I've had that privelidge of a bottle experience too lol!!

Haha Yeah, Im sure at some point in everyones life the Traffic Pee comes into play. One time mates and I got too pissed to drive back from a days Motor racing.My Wife became dedicated driver and in a huge traffic jam just outside London we made her stop the car so we could all get out and Pee on the verge. Of course halfway through the pee session , the traffic Jam cleared and She had to hold up the traffic while we hurredly finished and clambered back in. Man!! Was she pissed off at us !! And those that know Terri know how much trouble I was in :-)

lol! thanks for the laugh Chitty! And y'know, I was going to tell you this story of one day coming back from watching racing at Silverstone when.... well, ya just have to read the comment above, because the culprit beat me to it :)

We work like a horse.
We eat like a pig.
We like to play chicken.
You can get someone's goat.
We can be as slippery as a snake.
We get dog tired.
We can be as quiet as a mouse.
We can be as quick as a cat.
Some of us are as strong as an ox.
People try to buffalo others.
Some are as ugly as a toad.
We can be as gentle as a lamb.
Sometimes we are as happy as a lark.
Some of us drink like a fish.
We can be as proud as a peacock.
A few of us are as hairy as a gorilla.
You can get a frog in your throat.
We can be a lone wolf.
But I'm having a whale of a time!

You have a riveting web log
and undoubtedly must have
atypical & quiescent potential
for your intended readership.
May I suggest that you do
everything in your power to
honor your encyclopedic/omniscient
Designer/Architect as well
as your revering audience.
As soon as we acknowledge
this Supreme Designer/Architect,
Who has erected the beauteous
fabric of the universe, our minds
must necessarily be ravished with
wonder at this infinate goodness,
wisdom and power.

Please remember to never
restrict anyone's opportunities
for ascertaining uninterrupted
existence for their quintessence.

There is a time for everything,
a season for every activity
under heaven. A time to be
born and a time to die. A
time to plant and a time to
harvest. A time to kill and
a time to heal. A time to
tear down and a time to
rebuild. A time to cry and
a time to laugh. A time to
grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones
and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a
time to turn away. A time to
search and a time to lose.
A time to keep and a time to
throw away. A time to tear
and a time to mend. A time
to be quiet and a time to
speak up. A time to love
and a time to hate. A time
for war and a time for peace.

Best wishes for continued ascendancy,
Dr. Whoami

P.S. One thing of which I am sure is
that the common culture of my youth
is gone for good. It was hollowed out
by the rise of ethnic "identity politics,"
then splintered beyond hope of repair
by the emergence of the web-based
technologies that so maximized and
facilitated cultural choice as to make
the broad-based offerings of the old
mass media look bland and unchallenging
by comparison."

TW: I do my best.
Somehow I feel you are holding out on us. A (ex)CT boy like you, should have more of the same to share.
BB: LOL> Serves you right. Don't mess with the Terri. It was worth it though, wasn't, it?
Marco: it is a weird feeling. Now com on dude, you have to tell us more!
Terri: BB is using "the best defense is a good offence" on us. I dare you to tell us the whole truth.
br Whoami: Whoa... I am inlove! Now if only you can tell me how to get rid of the boner you gave me.

one day, when i haven't got much better to do and i'm no longer army property (338 days to go), just maybe i'll share a little more ;)

now i am curious, how is the sex? is it still on the agenda, or has the gf kept her promise.... well well well....

you are not the only one - even celebraties get the urge and oooops! check this page: http://www.perezhilton.com/topics/listen_to_this/you_must_listen_to_this_peaches_goes_pee_pee_on_fergie_20060417.php

Oh, thank you. I laughed so loud my partner ceased his political banter and came to see what on earth I was reading!

Damn, now I have to fit an empty bottle into my cubby, next to the roll of all purpose toilet paper. Thanks for the tip!

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