Riding the Slipstream

[This one is at the insistence of Terri, IITQ and Zenstar] I lost my dignity on the N3 north, or at least the bit that was left of it ater falling down at the mall. It is Sunday. We had just finished shopping and what was supposed to be a half an hour drive home, has turned into a 2 hour slog. Some idiot had the audacity to drive badly and cause an accident!! Traffic was piled up for kilometres. Even worse, we are stuck in the middle lane and I… (theatrical pause)… have a pee. I tried to hold it in for as long as I could. Really. I tried. (Damn the 2 Savannas I had with lunch) ME: Uh… [S], I have a code-red emergency. I think I have to go. SHE (jokingly): Yeah right… funny. You can’t go in the middle traffic on a highway. ME (panicky): I am not joking. How far is it to the next exit? Maybe we can get off the highway there? SHE: We missed the exit. Try and hold on until we get home or at least until the next exit, will you? ME: Don’t think so. (pause) Maybe I could open the door just enough and kinda go on the side. Do you think anyone will notice? SHE: Of course people are going to notice. We’ll probably get arrested for public indecency. ME (breathing hard): Ok, I have an idea. Perhaps, I can pee in the car? SHE (shocked): You can’t pee in the car! That would be insane! ME: I don’t mean it literally. Is there a bottle around here I can pee into? What about that carton of milk we bought at the mall. I could empty it and then use it to pee in? SHE: (laughing): Now there is something I never thought I’d ’witness…my boyfriend whipping it out and peeing in a milk carton in the middle of a freakin’ highway. I am sure we’ll start moving any minute now… just hold on (long pause as reality sets in). [K], If I have to watch you pee, we are so NEVER having sex again… EVA! ME: Hon, If I don’t pee now, I will injure myself and we will never have sex again, even if you wanted to. I really, really, really have to go. I CAN’T keep it any longer and I’ll end up pissing in your car anyway. SHE: Wait! There is an empty coke bottle in the cubby (glove box). You can use that! I open the cubby and the bottle is still there. Thank God. I am still the favourite son, or so I thought. Now trying to go while sitting in a car, fully clothed, is a unique sensation. It is awkward and nasty, but then so is a grown man wetting himself. Suddenly it seems as if the whole world knows your business and is looking in your direction. I try and maintain a blasé facial expression as best I can. Whatever happened to people minding their own bloody business? Lesson 1: A man cannot pee in a bottle while sitting down in a car. His anatomy does not allow it to happen. On the other hand, if you lie back too much, you cannot see what you are doing and the bottle might overflow and spill into your lap. So I inch down as much as I can, which amounts to basically nothing. I nervously unbutton my jeans and slide it down, just enough, to allow me the necessary freedom. (i.e. free up Mr. Floppy and get it to point in the right direction) In the meantime, the girlfriend is freaking out, “will you be careful with that thing”? [I sincerely hope that she is not referring to my penis as “that thing”] “I think the woman in the car next to us, can see you.” ME: You know what, [S]… I couldn’t care less. If she wants to see my penis…let her go right ahead and look at it. She‘s so old, I bet she hasn’t seen a live one in a long time. Nothing will stop me now. Lesson 2: You’ll have trouble starting and when you do, it is difficult to control the flow. The same mechanism that prevents you wetting your bed, kicks in, and makes letting go in public, almost impossible. Anyway, I finally get it going. The strangest thing is you have this weird feeling that you are wetting yourself, even though you are doing fine. People are looking at you and they don’t suspect a thing. I am almost done, when lesson 3 kicks in. Lesson 3, which should actually be Lesson 1 as it is the most important one of all: Check the capacity of the bottle… before you go! There is nothing worse than discovering that the bottle may be too small. You hear the pitch of the flow rising and you start to suspect, “This baby is too small and it is going to overflow". Fuck! ME: Uh… [S], I think the frikkin bottle is too small. SHE: No, it is not. It is at least 500ml. Damn, now you made me look. Relax, there’s enough space. You know, this has got to be the most unglamorous thing you have ever done. ME: I am not exactly having fun, you know. You try pissing in a bottle while lying down. This is worse than that dream where you get to work and realise you have no clothes on. Finally, I am done. The world is right side up again and resumes its wobbly journey around the sun. I cap the bottle and pull my jeans back up. So now I have a coke bottle full of what looks and feels like warm apple juice. YUK! It is not a good feeling. Freaky deluxe! Mom was right after all; always go to the little boys’ room before you go on a long journey. Oh, and just in case… always keep an EMPTY bottle in the car.