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Wednesday, June 29, 2005 

The 'Free Eye Test' conspiracy

While I was at the doctor's office on Monday I decided to also have my eyes tested. It is not that I had any problems with my sight, but there was a sign in the window that read “Free Eye Test” and I thought what the heck. Yeah, I am a sucker for freebies. Turns out the "free" eye test was not so free after all. End result… I have to wear corrective glasses. Apparently, my left eye is nearsighted, and weaker than my right eye. And all of this puts a tremendous (actual word used by the optometrist) strain on my right eye, as it tries to compensate for the weakness in my left eye. It also explains why I find it hard to look at objects at close range, as my left eye seemingly looses focus. When I asked the optometrist why I was not aware of this, I was told, “Your eyes have been lying to you all this time, and your brain has learnt to compensate for the flaw in your vision”. Huh? “Dammit, are you screwing with me, woman?! I can’t be wearing glasses… I have spent years covering up my nerdiness and perfecting my Rebel Without a Cause look. I don’t need to wear glasses to accentuate my flaws.” I enquired about contact lenses, and was told it would be of no use to me, as I only have a problem with seeing objects up close. There is no problem with seeing objects at a distance, and in fact, my eyes are perfect when it comes to seeing objects that are far away. As a result, I would constantly have to take the contacts out, and put them back in, depending on what I am doing… reading, driving, etc. In this instance, glasses is the perfect solution. I merely take them off when I don’t need them. In my quest to find out why I am cursed with this visionary impairment, I have come to the only conclusion I could reach. My mother was right; masturbation can cause you to go blind. There is no other logical explanation for it. I did the ol’ five knuckle shuffle one too many times when I was younger, and now I am paying the price. And it is irreversible… there is no cure for it. No amount of sex later on in life, can make up for the damage you do to yourself during those adolescent years. The moral… Ignorance = bliss and do not fall for the ‘Free Eye Test’ scam. It is a conspiracy to get all of us to wear glasses. And then the aliens will come… hehehe. Lithium… where the hell is my lithium!?

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