Riding the Slipstream

The gf had just called to remind me not to make any plans for this coming Saturday, since I had promised to go shopping with her for Christmas gifts. GRRRR… !!! Why we have to do shopping this early in November is far beyond the intellectual and comprehensive abilities of my male brain. I mean, there is enough time for all of that between 20 -24 December, isn’t there? I sort of understand that buying the right gift is a very, very difficult thing to do or at least that is what she says when I ask her about it. I always think that if somebody is so difficult to shop for that you have to do it a month in advance, then you really have to ask yourself, “Why am I even a friend of this person?”. I wanted to remind her that gift certificates would be brilliant idea, but I didn’t want to risk her telling me again that I am unimaginative and have no Christmas spirit. So maybe I don’t actually hate Christmas. What I do hate is going to the mall, and being bombarded by glitter and tinsel, flickering lights, fake snowflakes, sprigs of holly, hand-drawn reindeer and cherubic Santas. It is the only time of the year I condone the wearing of sunglasses indoors, even on a cloudy day. I really cannot see why the stores must decorate so early. It is like going to a party and putting on your party outfit a month in advance. By the time you finally get to go to the party, the outfit is no longer new and you prolly hate wearing it. All that the stores are basically doing is doing a number on our eyes, ears and wallets. Personally, the worst thing about Christmas has got to be... the Christmas jingles. And topping the list of the worst Christmas jingles of all time has to be… Jingle Bell Rock! There is no more god-awful, suicide begging, suck-the-joy-out-of-everything sound on the face of the earth, than that little song. (And in case you wondered... yes, I do know the words to the song. Isn't that always the case?) The absolute worst thing about going to the mall is that every store plays it. Like it is the friggin number one song on the annual Christmas jingle hit parade. Of course, there are people out there who are really into Christmas. Like the gf. People who, unlike me, find the idea of charging three months worth of salary to their credit cards – 90% of which will not be appreciated, wonderfully appealing. I can only begin to imagine the thrill there is in finding a size 48 underwear set, with a large sunflower print, for 80 year old Aunt Octavia. It is usually at this of the year that I seriously begin to consider conversion to one of the other mainstream religions. But I am told that since South Africa is largely a Christian society, this will not solve my problem. I wonder if can immigrate to Iran for two months of the year… somewhere near the Caspian Sea would do just fine.