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Thursday, May 11, 2006 

On the edge

I always thought that when you reach a certain age, let’s say 30, everything will become clear. Things would make sense and fall into place in some sort of logical order. I mean that would the whole point of growing up, learning and maturing… would it not? Wisdom comes with age, that is what they say! I have however found that as I grow older, I seem to know less and that life around me becomes more and more complicated. The distinction between what is right and wrong has become blurred and things that were taboo yesterday, seems to be ok today, depending of course of who you speak to and who you associate with. Or perhaps I am just an exceptional fuckwit who ponders too much on the little things in life! Shit happens to all of us all the time… especially when you least expect it. And even though you do the right thing the time, there is always a niggling thought at the back of your head that says, “but what if...” About a month ago… I flirted rather recklessly with a co-worker at a company braai (BBQ). Do not ask me why a bunch of people, who see one another every day from Monday to Friday, also think that spending time together on a Saturday afternoon is a great idea. It is just sick, I tell you. And yes, I was there! The flirty conversation came to an abrupt conclusion when we both realized that we were teetering dangerously on the brink of what could be the end of a perfectly good professional relationship. Anyway, nervous apologies were made and we both felt horribly foolish and avoided one another for the rest of the afternoon. Here is the dilemma: I am torn between knowing that I have done the right thing and wondering what it would have been like. I know this probably seems like a typical male dilemma and that I really should just get over myself. Yet, I find that I now find her even more attractive than I did before the flirting and the rebuff took place. Somehow I cannot stop myself from thinking of her naked breasts (I have a vivid imagination, dammit!) every time she walks past me, now that I have spurned the chance to see them. What is it with this urge to do a test-run with someone else, even though the person we are currently with, is probably as good as it will get? Why do we always feel, speaking for myself, the need to be on the look-out for the perfect woman? Truth is, I should realise that perfect partners do not exist and that lust, in whatever form, has very little substance.

hmph. my first girlfriend got fired from a dream-job because she broke up with a co-worker.

everybody - knows - you - shouldn't - mix - business - and - pleasure. and EVERYBODY will agree that you did the right thing.

but fuck it! life's for the living! so what if you pay for it later? i realize that as you get older, you also think more long-term (i know i have that problem), but sometimes it's healthy to make mistakes. and my mommy says if you're going to do something, do it properly.

don't waste a perfect opportunity for an excellent story for your kids. either way ;)

I've learned the hard way and I'm still kicking myself for it, DON'T SCREW THE CREW! It turns out painfully contraversial in the end!

When I was in my teens I thought I would have attained wisdom by the age of 28 (you see, I had higher expectations than you did--two whole years earlier). And yes, as I grow older I understand how little I know, and how mysterious everything is.
Congratulate yourself for being very smart--you are right, doing more than flirting with your coworker would not have been a good thing.
Don't beat yourself up for those lustful thoughts though (aren't you human? Don't we all have them?).
Some years ago there was..this guy...and yes, my goodness, we were attracted. I have never in my long life felt anything quite like that (and believe me, my life is long, and full of experiences). We were both in partnerships, and I loved his children as I love my own.
I stepped away from that one, mostly because of the harm that could have befallen the innocents.
He did leave his wife. I did not leave my partner. Thank god he moved from my region.
Do I think of him still? Of course.
Would I have changed my decision? No.
Did it hurt? Sure.
I congratulate you on navigating this bit of rough water.

TP: I hear you! Why is it that the things you know you should not do, always consume your life and one always think that you are the one that can get away with it?
Your mom's right. Anything worth doing, is worth doing well... even when you fuck it up.
Marco: Lol. "Don't screw the crew"... I had visions of being on a Caribbean love cruise. :)
jarvenpa: I have a feeling that we never quite attain wisdom, although I hope by the time I am forty (would that be ambitious too?), I would at least have something to show for all the mistakes I have made.
Thanks for sharing... it must have been a tough choice to make!

heh.. don't screw the crew...
i was thinking of women in construction overalls with heavy duty construction equipment.
remember that music video for that satisfaction song?
any way...
wisdom. remember when you were a little kid sitting in the back seat of the car while your parents drove through some heavy rain and you were sitting there thinking "i can't see a thing out there. but its ok. there must be some viewpoint from the driver's seat that makes everything clear."
then you grow up and get your drivers. first time you drive through a heavy shower your though process turns to: "wtf? why the hell am i still moving here, i can't see a damn thing! i guess i'll just slow down a bit and hopefully i won't hit anything."

thats kinda like life. when you're a kid you get carried through a lot of stuff. when you grow up you just have to close your eyes and hope that there isn't a tree in front of you.

"thought process"
damn... i really should read my posts before clicking the button.

Chitty, you have put into words a very common phenomenon. By the way, at what age does wisdom come because I wouldn't mind getting there soon.

On a totally different point, you posted a comment on my blogspot, that means you actually read my drivel. That is so sweet! I don't care what they say about you on Kyknoord's blogspot, I think you are a cool dude, Poster Boy!

Well, now that you have all this information out there for the whole world to see, I do hope that your current partner doesn't know your blog address! You are right, there is no perfect mate just the one you love and tits don't make the mate. Eventually they sag and you are having to deal with the soul within, so my suggestion is start there first. The other thing is that as you grow older you don't know less, you just realise that there is so much more to know so life doesn't become easier it just becomes more something that you accept and run with and go where it takes you. But, buddy, tits don't create an epiphany.

Call this Happy Mother's Day advise and don't forget to call your mother. ;)

zenstar: Great analogy, dude! Im trying to avoid the trees all tthe time, let alone ending up in a ditch
Katt: Of course I read your blog... you are one of my current faves.
Wisdom does NOT come with age it seems... but with every day that goes by, we learn a little more.
HildaRose: Fortunately for me she does not read the blog... hehe.
Thank for the Mother's day advice.. and we spoiled her rotten. Pity we can so forget so easily forget how much she means on the other days.

Current faves? You mean there is a chance I will be dropped from the list? Oh, the pressure to remain witty. :-)

Check the blogroll... hehe.

that's a tough one dude - If you do it, you may regret it, if you don't do it, you will regret the fact that you didn't take a chance.

Guess the moral of the story is that you possibly loose either way.

If you currently have someone in your life - then it's probably not the wisest idea to fool around. If not, this could be the start of something good...

Hell, now I'm conflicted.

On a side-note - (nudge, nudge, - my blog url has changed a bit - just incase you're interested)

Aquila: Thanks for the heads-up, mate. I will update my blogroll accordingly.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with lusting after someone at work, provided you don't do anything about. The lusting itself can be fun... for one, it makes going to work a lot more interesting, and for another, relieve that sexual tension when you get home! You benefit by having eye candy to sweeten the boredom of work, your partner benefits from your general horniness... and no one gets hurt.

Right decision, dude.

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