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Friday, May 19, 2006 

Go prick thy face, and over-red thy fear, Thou lily-liver'd boy!

Yesterday, I was in Johannesburg’s northern suburbs, driving up and down Rivonia Road trying to find a place called Rivonia Square. I finally stopped and asked someone and they told me, Rivonia Square is on the corner of Rivonia Boulevard and 9th avenue… NOT Rivonia Road, as I had thought. Fuck me… it was a perfectly honest mistake, but I couldn’t help feeling pissed off. I hate being lost! So here is where the fun starts. I was late and in a hurry. I managed to find a parking spot opposite the mall. As I walked to cross the road to the entrance, I accidentally, cut in front of a BMW, travelling in the same direction. The street is basically a pedestrian zone and cars are travelling at speeds less than 30km/h due to the numerous speed humps in the road. I waved apologetically at the driver, smiled and continued walking. The driver of the car was however not content with my actions. I guess he was having a bad too? He rolled down his window and said to me "You really should look where you're going. I could have run you down". His tone was condescending and patronizing, but I was in a hurry and really did not have time to talk, so I said, ”Look, I am sorry about earlier, but I am in a hurry… so please, can we drop this?” He mumbled something about me being rude and an inconsiderate idiot. Even though I was late for my meeting, I turned to him and said… “You have got to be fucking kidding me, right? Are you really serious about taking this up with me, now?" I could see the guy was angry and my come-back just made it worse. His face turned red like a cartoon character and I expected stream to come out of his ears at any minute. He stopped his car on the side of the road and got out. Now we had a game on our hands! He then gave me a friggin earful about how I should be grateful that he did not run me over, and how idiots like me should not be allowed to roam the streets unsupervised. "Wait a minute here", I thought to myself! How, in God’s name, did we get to the point where he treats me like I am no longer a person? Can the guy be for real? He is also much older than I am, but more importantly, much bigger in built. Normally, I am quite good at coming up with a witty response, but this time my brain froze. I looked him in the eye and said in my most confident (arrogant) macho voice, “Oh shut the fuck up... right now! Where do you get off talking to me like that? I will rip your fucking head off!” I was hoping that my offensive tactic would scare him into letting the whole thing go. Surely, this would be the last thing he’d expect from a smaller guy like me? Hehe… yeah I am the smuggest fucker in Smugtown, so let’s see what you have to say to that, Mr. BMW!? Boy, did that one back-fire on me?! Mr. BMW looked at me for a second, and said, “Oh, so that’s the way you want to play it, huh? Just let me park my car and I will be with you in minute” When he walked away, I stood there thinking to myself, "this guy is crazy if he thinks I am going to stand here and wait for him to park his car so that he can come back and beat the shit out of me with a tire wrench. I may be an asshole, but I am not stupid!" Besides, I had a meeting to get to and I was not walking in there covered in blood and torn to pieces. What a way to spend a Thursday! So when he walked off, I briskly walked into the shopping mall and took the escalator up to the first floor. As I looked down from the first floor window, I could see him walking around the front of the building, looking for me. I almost felt I should wave at him and give him the finger, but given how angry he had to be at that moment, I reckoned it would not be a good idea. When he realized that I had gone, he'd walk back to his car and hopefully drive off. Was I a coward? Definitely… there is no doubt! I can find all sorts of clever excuses for scampering away… I had a meetingviolence does not solve anythingI was afraid I might hurt him, etc. Did I do the smart thing... I definitely think so! Truth is, I have not been in a fight since I was at university, and even back then, I was mostly drunk and had very little recollection of what had happened. I don’t know how well I can fight and I am not willing to risk a broken nose to try and find out. I knew for a fact I could not have taken him. I gave it my best shot when I told him that I will rip his head off. Unfortunately, he called my bluff and sometimes, one just has quit while you are ahead. Keep an eye out for me at the gym… I am the one taking the self-defense class. And from now on I go under the assumption that everyone suffers from rage! [PS: I await the inevitable evolution of the blog alias]

Damn, I thought it was going to be one of your sting-in-the-tail posts where you go to the meeting and discover the guy from the car is who you are meeting!

You need to be careful of road rage incidents with testosterone fuelled idiots. I merely hooted (briefly) at the guy in front of me who failed to pull away when the robot went green one day and thought I was going to get shot.

Whaddya mean you don't know Rivonia Square? News Cafe? Tiger Tiger - now Manhattan? And some places of ill repute?

Evolution of the alias?

How about Witty Chitty Bang Thump?

IITQ... you left out TEAZERS... now that will jog chitty's one-track mind :P

I think i should get a 320i... it's the same as having a degree in being a prick.

IITQ: Haha... can you imagine what the meeting would have been like if that had been the case?
You know what was even worse and made me feel like a complete idiot? When I left I realised that Browns is next to the mall. How the hell did I get that wrong?

TP: The least said about TEAZERS, the better! I may have to go into a witness protection program.
Get that 320i - I'll be leading to possy to beat you to a pulp... hehehe.

heh - actually, i would have stayed and gotten the crap beaten out of me just because of that line from fight club: "how much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?"

instead of mouthing off, you should just stare at his number plate and read it out loud a few times, like you're memorizing it. If he asks what you're doing, say you have an uncle in the traffic cop business (in my case, i wouldn't be lying). Then wait while he connects the dots of potential towing, speeding fines, impounding, and the fact that you (and several friends with big sticks) can now find out where he lives.

I think you should go for Itsy Bitsy Gang Bang - and devote your blog to midget porn.

Tripeak: you will notice I said, "And some places of ill repute" leaving room for Teazers and The Ranch.

Or so I'm told.

moonflake: i consider you one of our ages master poet(ess?)s. thank you.

age's. wif a apostrofee.

all you do is you politely say: "you're right sir. i was a terrible asshole and i was wrong."

then while he's distracted and getting back into his car, whip it out and pee on him throught he window.

turn and run!

childish? yes.
stupid? yes.
cowardly? probably.

but you try walking into a mall wet and smelling like piss and try explain to the security guards what happened.
when they finish laughing they'll throw your ass out!

btw: if you use this tactic make sure to check that the coast is clear when leaving.

Great post and you so did the right thing too. Mind you IITQ is right, imagine if yer man was the one in your meeting - that would be priceless!

TW: Better you than me, mate! I dont fancy getting the crap kicked out of me.
I moist be growing up!
Moonflake: See now that is the kind of thing one normally comes up with afterwards when you sit at home and think back of what has happened. Good advice though, I will try it next time.
As for the midget porn... I don't devote my time to anything I can take part in.
IITQ "Or so I'm told" - somehow not very convincing.
More likely, "been there, done that"
zenstar: Pissing on the guy... starangely enough, that seems "right" so many levels.
Just hope he does not slam his door into your dick!
curly K: Now that would have been a Mastercard moment.
May have been disastrous too.. hehe!

dude - you should be glad MR short man syndrome didn't take a tire wrench to your car instead...

Big up for the brass balls though..

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