Riding the Slipstream

“Just let it go!” said the voice in my head. “Just pay and get out of here“ But letting go is not that simple. There are situations that require one to take immediate action. They need to be addressed, exploited, decisions have to be made and plans put into place to achieve the desired outcome. Sometimes these circumstances are beyond your control and yet you feel compelled to do something about it. The little voice inside your head tells you to stand clear and to accept, to force yourself to forget. Surrender the powerful emotions which compel you to take action. The path to inner peace can be fraught with moments of weakness. The road that has to be taken can be long and arduous. There are many obstacles and potholes along the way and the ground may be uneven. Something or someone may trip your balance. We get caught up in the labyrinth of people moving around us, we lose our step; we stumble and lose our way. Emotions can be dealt with in a more discrete manner. We can channel our energy creatively to another medium. Step out of this world and into an alternate reality, focus on other situations. Act on a fantasy and explore feelings in a safety zone where they are easier to face and through the magic of words which will never be spoken. But just sometimes, words can be spoken and a helping hand can be extended. And by dong so, we can help someone along their way. “Erm… excuse me, miss”, I said without any hesitation. She looked up from the magazine she was reading and put down the pen she held in her hand. A tired expression on her face, one that has been honed and perfected through years of practice. It is an expression that matches the indifference with which she treats the people who cross her path daily. “You have ballpoint ink all over your mouth and front teeth” A look of complete shock and disbelief in her eyes. If it wasn’t for the counter top, her jaw would have hit the floor and bounced back up to the ceiling. The shop went quiet and the two teenagers standing behind me roared with laughter. Mission accomplished. Yep, I am as bad as they come.

I have a brand new pet peeve. I detest people who ask me, “So… how’s the new year going?” I don’t know how the new year is going. The new year is only FOUR weeks old and although the first pay-day is upon us, I suppose it is going like any other year…. SLOWLY and one day at a time. I’m still broke from spending all that money over the holidays. My credit card looks like it fought in the Battle of Hastings and I already need another holiday. The problems of the old year followed me into the new year and I have yet to come up with a plan on how to rid myself of them permanently. Why would people even ask you a question like this? If the new year were a relationship, we’d still be in the getting-to-know-you phase. We would be bonding, falling in love and spending all our free time together. Our hearts will be filled with anticipation. And even though we may have progressed to the bedroom, I’d still be getting a boner every time I think of her. So please don’t ask me how the new year is going? Ask me a few months from now and I promise to give you an answer. I only need to get past the getting-to-know-you phase and as soon as 2006 and I become a couple, I’ll tell you. I’ll even throw in a boner for good measure. A simple, “How are you?” will do for now.

I guess the follow-up post on Saturday's conversation with the nephew is overdue. Despite the tricky nature of the subject, it went remarkably well and much better than I expected. He’s a good kid and we get along fine .Of course I had him helping me clean up the garage first, while I contemplated the all-important next move. Help in breeching the subject came from an unexpected source… television. I was all set on using KN’s amusing, yet unorthodox approach when television provided the all-important opening. We were watching an Australian Open women’s singles match when he commented on their muscular forearms. Hehehe… figure the hormonal teenager to notice all the finer details of competitive women’s tennis. Me: Yeah, I hear vigorous exercising of a particular muscle group can do that to you. He giggled: Is that why your mouth is so big? From putting your foot in it? Me (Laughing out loud): Keep that up and you’ll be following in my footsteps. But since you hardly ever exercise, I reckon you aren’t in danger if that ever happening to you. Although your mom mentioned that you have been getting a lot of forearm action lately. [All out laughter. He throws his hands up in the air and covers his face.] He: I guess it is all out in the open then? Mom spoke to you, didn’t she? I had a hunch she may talk to you about that. I’m just glad that she did not take it upon herself to talk to me. Our last conversation about sex is something I never want to do again… ever. Me: You know your mom does the best she can, but I share your sentiments. She can be a bit over the top. He: I knew I should’ve locked my door. Me: Next time try the bathroom (more laughter). To be honest, I was quietly amazed at how calmly he approached the whole thing. No theatrics, to denial. Cocky (excuse the pun) little bastard! He: I am embarrassed, but I am not going to lie to you. My buddies and I talk about what we do all time. Discovering that our penises (he used another word) are much more than something you pee with, is kind of a big deal. There is quite a bit of forearm action going on. Me: I understand. You know of course that you don’t have to beat it death in one go. It may not seem like it now, but there is a lot more to becoming a man than being sexually active. (Awkward silence) I did not want to break it to him that the ongoing fascination with sex and his penis would last for quite a long time. Come to think of it, men never really get over it. What followed was a long and candid discussion on the subject. I‘m not going to go into detail. It is amazing how much kids learn from other kids. When you put all of their bits and pieces together, the truth is basically in there somewhere. Television, cinema, MTV and magazines pretty much demystified what was once a forbidden subject. It took me back to my own adolescent days when sex was pretty much all my mates and I talked about. We had us a good laugh at the myths surrounding sex and masturbation. He was actually much more concerned about how he should act around girls. What should he talk to them about. When is it ok to ask a girl out and to kiss her. Believe me, whipping it out and getting naked with a girl is not the most important thing on their minds. It may get to that stage soon enough, but right now it is all wishful thinking. In reality, 13 year olds aren’t comfortable enough with their own sexuality to jump to the next level. I tried to make him understand that I realise there is a lot of pressure from his mates to do certain things. Hanging out at the mall, smoking, drinking, doing drugs… and getting a girl. He should not feel compelled to do anything he does not feel comfortable with. Doing what he knows is right and acting responsibly is far more important. There is lots of time to grow up and become a man. It is ok for him to still be a boy… and kicking my ass in a game of Tekken 5 (A martial arts combat game for PS2). I got off easy, I think. He is more mature than I give him credit for. Growing up without a father can do that to you. I’d also like to think my status as the “cool uncle” made it easer for him to talk openly. I can only hope that I will have the same open relationship with my own kids one day. Yeah rght!

In every profession there is a small group of people who regard themselves as being the best at what they do. Not only do they regard themselves as being the best, they firmly believe that if they weren’t able to make something work, then no one else will. Are they however satisfied with knowing this about themselves? No, they have to rub your nose in it, just in case there is small chance that you may have overlooked this minor detail. Been there, done that and did a bloody good job of it too, that is their motto. To illustrate their point, they will inundate you with quaint anecdotes of how and why it did not work out before. What they are really saying is that they do not believe that you could pull it off. The tone and manner in which they speak to you takes care of any doubts you may have had. Just short of rejecting your idea outright, they will always end off with a smug, “Please don’t let me stop you from having a go at it. Perhaps there is something we overlooked and perhaps you could make it work for you”. How’s that for encouragement and for being supportive?! Disdain dressed up as compassion. I came across someone like that today. I put forward what I thought was a brilliant concept (aren't they always?) to bring in new business for the company. I presented my concepts to a person whom I thought could give me some perspective. What I got instead was a half an hour history lesson on how it has been tried before. I came away from this encounter feeling battered and bruised and a lot less tall than when I went in. I haven’t given up on my idea, yet, but the enthusiasm to push forward with it has taken a considerable nose-dive. Having had an hour to reflect on what has been said; I am going back to the drawing board and iron out a few kinks in my plan. I still believe it can be done. All that is needed is a fresh approach, a creative sales/marketing strategy and an insight into what makes the target group tick. Screw the old coot! I have to try this for myself. If don’t, I am never going to be able to look at myself in the mirror. And I so like looking at myself, especially first thing in the morning when I look at my absolute worst, with the knowledge that my day can only get better from that point onwards. The chitster bounces back! Even when there is a really good chance he may end up at the bottom of a huge pile of smelly dung.

I got stung by a bee this morning and may have lost my superhero status in the process. Judging by the angry red welt in the middle of my chest, my powers weren’t particularly impressive to begin with. A bee got trapped between the curtain and the window. Being the superhero that I am, I thought I’d be helpful and allow the little fellow to escape. Besides the constant buzzing was getting on my last nerve and I did not have a can of insecticide spray handy. So I got up and opened the window on the side panel, hoping that the fresh air would lure him to the outside. Not so! He just kept on flying up and down the window, colliding with it and making that awful buzzing noise. Insects are stupid in that way. I got hold of a piece of paper and tried to shoo him along. A fat lot of good that did me! Instead, the little fellow climbed onto the piece of paper and just sat there. All activity ceased. I reckon he was prolly catching his breath before his next assault on the window pane. Realising that he was clearly not going to do this on his own, I placed the piece of paper in front of the open window. He caught a whiff of the fresh air, rose up on his little legs and launched himself into the air… straight at me. I tried to wave him away with my hands and that’s when it happened. I knocked him out of the sky and he fell down the front of my shirt. (The top two buttons were unbuttoned) The next moment I felt a sharp pain and I instinctively clutched my hands to my chest. In the process I squashed the little bee. All that was left of him was a brownish wet stain on the front of my shirt. I managed get the shirt off and pulled the sting out. There are no medicines in the office, so I ran to the bathroom and splashed water on my chest. It hurt like a bitch! The office receptionist heard all the commotion and came over to help me. I explained that a bee had stung me. She ran over to her workstation, grabbed a bottle of perfume from her purse and sprayed it directly onto the affected area. She explained that the alcohol in the perfume would soothe the pain and disinfect the wound. (I didn’t know that!) What I can tell you, is that it burnt like hellfire! AARRRGGGHH!!! I saw hundreds of bright shiny objects floating around the room. Soon after she rushed to the pharmacy down the road and came back with insect bite ointment and some band aids. I now have a third, rather angry-looking nipple in the middle of my chest. Guess I won’t be showing off my pecs any time soon. Damn that bee. I want my mommy!

It is that time of the year again and the blogosphere is abuzz with the news that voting in the 2nd Annual Best of Blogs Awards has begun. One of my favourite Canadian blogs has been nominated in the ‘Best Photo/Art/Poetry Blog’ category. She has slipped into third place and in need of a little help. This is a shameless (is there any other kind?), yet unprompted plug by me on her behalf, and I can assure you that she is an amazing artist and would be a well-deserved winner. So, go to the Best of Blogs website and vote for Andrea’s blog. Pronto! I said so!

“Women care nothing for our male logic: They have their own, which we do not recognize and do not acknowledge until we are crushed under its wheel” – paraphrased from the quote by Ivan Turgenev The place - Sunday morning at the breakfast table She: You know my friend, Tanya? Me: Yeah, sure. I met her last Saturday over at your place. She: Do you think she’s hot? Me: Uhhh… maybe… I mean she is not ugly, if that’s what you are asking. She: Would you go out with her? Me: NO! I’m with you! Why would I want to go out with another woman? That would be insane. She: But what if you and I weren’t together… would you go out with her then? Me: I suppose I m-a-y consider it. Anyway, why do you care if I think Tanya is hot? She: So then you admit it, you think she’s hot then? Me I did not say that. Forget what I said. I won’t even consider it. She : Then what are you saying? Me: I am saying I am stupid little man and I should learn to keep my mouth shut. She: Good idea. You are digging yourself into a hole. Me: How’s that even possible? You’re the one who brought it up. She: And you are the one who thinks she’s hot. Me: Did I mention that you are waayyy hotter than she is and that I love you with all my heart? (All I get I in return is a barely audible grunt) Women! When do we ever get to taste victory?

Sex has always been a dicey subject for me and when my sister asked me to speak to my nephew on the subject; I was more than a little alarmed. ME: There is no way you can expect me to do this! No way! He's your son. What on earth makes you think I am equipped to talk to him about this? SHE: In case you haven’t looked in the mirror lately… you are a man and I’d rather have you speaking to him about this than his father. (She’s divorced and the Ex is persona non grata. She is still not over the fact that he walked out on them) ME: [V], he is turning 14 this year. It may be a bit presumptuous of me, but common sense tells me you should have talked to him about sex and puberty over a year ago. ‘Coz if you haven’t done so by now, I am sure he already got the short and sexy version from his mates at school. SHE: Of course I spoke to him about puberty and sex. It was the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever had to do and at the end of it we both agreed never to bring it up again. Hence, I am asking you. M (laughing): Ok… so what you need me for? SHE: Well, I walked past his room this morning and I think he was… (She leans forward and whispers to me) uhm… masturbating. ME (somewhat surpised): Masturbating? Oy! (At this point I am thinking, "way too much information on the nephew". I wanted to ask how she came to this conclusion, but thought it better not to know the inimate details) SHE: Yes. And will you stop laughing? This is serious. ME: Uhhh... yeah… whatever you say. What do you want me to say to him? Would you rather he has unprotected sex with girls his age? Considering the alternatives, masturbation is safe and harmless and I am sure all the boys of his age are doing it. Come on, he’s only experimenting, for crying out loud! SHE: That is not what I meant. Listen, just talk to him about it, okay? ME (still amused): You know of course all those stories mom and dad fed us about going blind, infertility, hairy palms, etc. aren’t exactly true. SHE: Yeah, I know, I know… just let him know it is…well… okay and talk to him some more about safe sex, girls, and the consequences of teen pregnancy, etc. ME: Uh… you sure you want me to do this? SHE: Being sure has nothing to do with it, but right now, you are all I’ve got. ME: Thanks for the vote of confidence, sis, and the glowing recommendation. I’ll be sure to include you on my resume. I still remember the time when I reached when reached puberty. My father handed me a book and said, “Here, read. And if you have any questions, you can speak to me or your mother about it” Short and sweet… no fuss. I read the book and didn’t ask them a thing. I wasn’t going to risk it. Knowing my parents, going to them for answers would have been disastrous and embarrassing. Besides, we kind of had a history of avoiding the truth about sex. When I was 7 or 8 years old, I finally plucked up the courage to ask my parents where babies came from. My mom looked at my Dad, who looked at my Mom, who then related to me the myth about the stork who delivers babies. The woman did not even blink once. Brilliant! So, for many years after that I was convinced that I needed to have sex with a long-legged bird in order to have children of my own one day. Abstinence seemed like a gift from God. I dunno how to breech the subject with him. Uncles aren’t meant to do these things. I think I’ll stall until he’s 18, hire a porno and hand him a six-pack of beers to go with it. “Here, watch. And if you have any questions, you can speak to me about it” Hopefully, he'll be to drunk to say anything.

One of my blog-friends(?) passed this meme on to me and dared me to complete it. I am sure she made up, in the hopes of duping me into revealing more about myself. It is lengthy, but what the bloody heck! 1. What did you do in 2005 that you had not done before? I took an honest and painful look at myself and decided I needed to make a few changes. 2. Did anyone close to you give birth? A good friend became a father. Sharing in his happiness, made me want to raise a flock of little chittys. [Slap me, please] 3. Did anyone close to you get married? A cousin got married in November. It morphed into more of a family reunion, which was quite nice. 4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully, no. I hate funerals. 5. Did you travel? Where did you go? Best holiday memory? I traveled quite a bit around South Africa. Last year was the first time in a long time that I did not travel outside of South Africa. It was nice, but I am starting to miss not going overseas. Best holiday memory would be the ski-holiday at Tiffendel in August. 6. Best thing(s) you bought? Two things: IPod nano. For the money I paid, it had better be! Canon EOS 350D Digital SLR camera 7. Where did most of your money go? I have absolutely no idea! Here... there.. everywhere. My money disappeared as fast as I could make it. I can’t remember half the things (junk) I bought in 2005. A great big chunk went on parties & booze. Extremely sad! 8. What do you wish you had done more of? Focusing on what’s important, not only on what’s important to myself but to the people in my life. I wish I had loved more. 9. What do you wish you had done less of? Spending money. I guess I should have tighter control over my finances. Problem is, fun=money (mostly) and I so like to have fun. 10. What kept you sane? My girlfriend and my ability to adapt to circumstances. 11. What drove you mad? The uncertainty and insecurity that comes with changing jobs. I hate not in being control of my destiny and I went though a phase last year where it seemed I was not. 12. What made you celebrate? Strangely enough, my new job and the fact that I finally got the better of my old boss. 13. What made you sad? My infinite capacity to ignore what is right in front of me. The war in Iraq, Hurricane Katrina and the poverty & suffering I see around me every day. 14. How was your birthday this year? It was a grand affair. One I will remember for years to come. I like the idea of growing older in years; it is the physical decline that comes with it that freaks me out. Which reminds me... regular visits to the gym. 15. What political issue stirred you the most this year? The Zuma affair and how close we came (and still could) to having him as our next president. 16. Where you in love in 2005? Yes and I still fall in love every day. 17. What would you like to have in 2006 that you didn't have in 2005? Stability. A harem of beautiful women? 18. What date from 2005 will be etched in your memory and why? Two dates: The day I sat down with my father and discussed my feelings about leaving my job. The fact that he cared enough to listen and the sound advice he gave me. The day I ran into my high school sweetheart and realised that she was never meant to be mine to begin with. 19. What song will remind you of 2005? You’re Beautiful – James Blunt 20. Compared to this time last year are you happier? Yes, I am. I have grown and matured. There’s hope and anticipation in the air and I look forward to achieving my goals. My long-term memory is shot and I’m sure I said the same thing last year… haha! 21. Biggest achievement in 2005? Changing jobs. Not allowing my penis to get the better of my common sense? 22. Biggest disappointment in 2005? No taking full advantage of all the opportunities that came my way. I guess conscience really does make cowards of us all. 23. What is the one thing that would have made you more satisfied? Winning the Lotto Who am I kidding? I’m a hedonistic SOB, so it is all about self-indulgence and physical pleasure to me. 24. Best new person you met this year? The stewardess I met at the team getaway. The kiss was awesome, time stopped, and one of the more romantic moments of 2005. My fellow bloggers. 25. A valuable life lesson you learnt this year? Life is fluid in all its aspects. In order to survive and be happy, one sometimes has to go with the flow. I am not tagging ANYONE, but I challenge you to take stock of your life in 2005, if you dare!

The other day I went with my father to buy a new lawn mower. Mowing the lawn is an unfortunate side-effect of the hot, yet wet, weather we are experiencing in Johannesburg. If I had my way, I’d dig up the lawn and pave the entire friggin backyard. "Now whatever you do, don't speak to the salesman unless I tell you to", he cautions me when we enter the shop. "Let me do the talking" At that point, my only thought is: I wonder if he took his medication this morning? "But Dad, we are in an appliance store, not at a garage sale" "So?" is the short and curt answer. "You can't bargain on the price of a lawn mower. We're at Dions, not at an open market in Cairo" "Nonsense! I got R20.00 off on the new toaster I bought last November. That’s the problem with you young people of today… you accept whatever is dished up to you" I knew exactly where this conversation is heading. Before long he would lecture me on the good old days. So I acknowledge defeat and agree to his game plan. "Can I help you?" asks the sales man. "Yes," I smiled, "We'd like to buy an electric lawn mower, please." "Sure, if you'll just come over here. This one will cost you…", and he tells us how much it costs. Dad casually clears his throat. "Is that the best price you can offer, young man?" "Erm. Yes?", the sales man answers with a surprised look on his face. I slowly back away from them and pretend to be absolutely fascinated by the pool cleaners they have on display. The sales guy does not know it yet, but he is in for the duration. I almost feel sorry for him. "Would there be any discount for paying in cash?" "Well... we don’t give discounts on cash. However, if you can find the same appliance at a lower price elsewhere, we undertake not only to match that price, but will give it you at an even lower price" "Look, young man, I am a busy man and my time is precious. Do you really expect me to drive all over town, find a cheaper lawnmower, and then come back here so that you can give it to me at a better price? Where is the sense in that?" [I cringe, smile nervously and pretend that I had dropped something on the floor.] "Would you mind checking with the shop manager that this is your absolute best price?" The red-faced salesman agrees and walks off to find the manager. Dad gives me an enthusiastic thumbs-up. I pretend not to know him in case there are security cameras in the shop. Five minutes later the salesman returns, "The manager says we can't reduce the price, but I can give you this discount voucher which entitles you to a R75.00 discount on you next item of purchase" "Excellent!" says the old battleship. "How much for that extension cord over there?" "That will be R135.00, sir" “Good”, says he with a smug look on his a face, “I’ll take it and I want to use the voucher you just gave me as part-payment” And with that he calls me over and leads the way to the pay point. "Did you see that, son? I got him good, didn’t I?" I feign admiration and say, "Yes dad, you were brilliant". My hero. I make a mental note to return to that store with my father any time soon. I haven’t the heart to remind him that he and mom had bought a new extension cord a few weeks earlier. The one he had just bought was not needed. Mom will take care of him when we get home. Let him enjoy his victory for now.

Last night, I received an sms from my friend Craig, inviting my gf and I out to dinner with him and his partner on Wednesday night. "Craig-O" has been one of my best friends since high school and we have had many crazy adventures together. Now I have to let you in on a little secret about my friend Craig. He is a bit, well much more than a bit, of a boozer. I have long suspected that his heavy boozing has to do with the fact that he is inherently a very shy person. On the few social occasions I had seen him not drinking; he was be a bit of bore and seemed somewhat out of place. We all prolly know one or two ppl like that, someone who after a couple of drinks, can be the life and soul of a party. Without it they drift around aimlessly and can hardly conduct a meaningful conversation. Why am I telling you this? The message also implied that he has decided to give up drinking as one of his New Year’s resolutions. Way to go. This from a man, who when we were in Barcelona a few years back, dropped his pants in front of a night club and begged a hooker to give him a blow job. Crazy bastard! Do not get me wrong. It is NOT that I am not happy that he has decided to make changes in his life. Some are long overdue! I only wish that he, and I am not saying he is not, would have been more moderate in his approach. On the one hand I am scared for him and one the other I am just sceptical at his ability to pull it off. I do not want see him fail at this. Something also tells me that he going to need all the help and support he can get and as such I (and all of his friends) need to walk this road with him. [don’t let anybody…ever… point a finger and call the Chitster shallow!] I am going to accept the invitation. I want to be supportive and the dinner will be a good place for him to test the waters, so to speak. Small steps, and what better place to start taking those steps than over dinner being surrounded by good friends? There comes a time when you have to retire from your life as you know it, settle into adulthood and ride off into the sunset. The hardest part for him will be developing and cultivating a booze-free persona when all who know him and have been around him all those years come to expect him to do the crazy things he is so well-known for. One of the few occasions, I guess, when NOT living up to expectations can actually be a good thing.

The festive season has come and gone and life carries on exactly where it left off in December last year. Do I sound cynical? Nah, I just have a gift for stating the obvious. The Christmas tree and tinsel are neatly packed away in boxes for another year. Suddenly the house seems empty and ordinary. Why would that be? The build-up to Xmas and New Year is a recently forgotten memory. For almost two weeks life was one big party of juvenile (delinquent) silliness, of living large and more hang-overs than I care to remember. The problem is that I do remember and in true chitty fashion I went into complete overdrive. “Do whatever you do well… and when you happen to fuck things up… well, make sure you do a good job of that too” [wink, wink] I have kissed and shaken hands with more relatives and friends than I care to remember. My only regret is that I did not have more sex. A very strange thing to say, I know, given all that has happened, but I guess my needs are simple in an almost primal sense. I would easily have traded all the gifts, parties, revelry and running around for a little more “us time” with the gf. I guess I must be growing old. I have not made any New Year’s resolutions. What’s the use when they are gong to be broken anyway? One can never predict what the year ahead has in stall and resolutions, noble and well-intended as they may be, may be nothing more than wishful thinking. I have always relied on my ability to adapt and play it by ear so to speak. I have set a few goals for 2006 and I reckon that is as good start as any. I had a brief moment of profoundness (lucidity, perhaps?) when the clock struck 12 on 31 December, but that moment quickly disappeared along with the Martini I was holding in my hand. I thought to myself: "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." Profound counsel indeed! But then I started to ponder what this would really mean to me. Does it mean that my life up till now had been frivolous and meaningless and contributed little or nothing to whom I am? Is there even such a thing as the rest of your life? We only have one life each. It is a continuous line and who, what and where we are today is a culmination of all that has gone before. There is no magic switch to throw, I’m afraid. Sure, you can make life-changes, but the past is always there and will always influence the present. ‘Twas at that point that my friend Brad came over and casually said, “Oh, I see your glass is empty. Here, let me get you another” And just like that (clickety-click) the moment was gone and there was once again a party to enjoy and a crowd to please. It has been a while since my last post, but I reckon that I can be forgiven for not having the time or the inclination to sit in front on my computer and tap dance with the keys on the keyboard. So... without much further ado, let me wish all of my blogfriends and readers; A wonderful and joyous 2006! I wish you much love and happiness, buckets of success, tip loads of laughter and may each day, all 365 of them, bring you closer to fulfilling your dreams and heart’s desires. Count your blessings and live each day like it is all you’ve got and if that doesn’t do it for you… well do as I would do and make someone else’s life a misery. (Hahaha… it is true what they say, misery loves company!). I joke about the last bit of course, but I think you get the gist of it. Peace out!