Riding the Slipstream

All the signs are there... this guy has to call it a day and find something else that he is better at! This story had me laughing so loudly, I almost crapped(?) myself.

This t-shirt says a lot while saying nothing at all, basically allowing the symbols to do the talking. In view of South Africa's rich "heritage" of selling pirate dvd's at flea markets and at traffic lights... hehehe... perhaps we could get the guys to wear these T-shirts. I am getting one and wearing it to the movies on Friday night. I doubt anyone will pick up on the significance... unless... perhaps I should take my digital video camera with.

In the news: R25m pirate DVD's seized - News24.com (30/03/2005)

I‘ve just discovered (rediscovered) a great pick-me-upper. Revenge!!! Yep, you heard me… sweetheart... Revenge. I have discovered that the “healing” power of revenge does wonders for one’s self esteem and personality… it truly does. I feel like a new man today now that I finally got even with someone who really deserves it. There is nothing comes close to that feeling you get after giving some asshole exactly what he deserves. All my life I have been taught to curb the instinct to get even and that revenge only begets more revenge. Well, screw that rubbish. From now on I intend to get even with all those people (and there's one born every minute) who have wronged me in the past and who will wrong me in the future. I am done with taking the high road and turning the other cheek. The time has come to kick some ass and wreak havoc... within reasonable limits of course. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I have to admit I liked the smug fella with the devilish grin looking back at me. There was something different about him… something that was not there before. And he looked a lot happier too. So here’ s a warning to all those snotty department store clerks, the office bully, people who cut me off in traffic, to the bureaucrats, the teenagers with attitude and guys at the licensing department… watch out baby 'cause I am going to take you down like a cheap thrill! I figure as long as I get even with a significant number of people, my life would have been worthwhile. Hehehe…Now go away... all this talk about revenge has made me hungry. I think I'll go and get me one of these.

Apparently a helluva lot more than I thought! This has got to suck!!

I hate strangers who try and chat to me in supermarket queues. If I wanted to talk to someone in a supermarket queue, I would have dressed up for the occasion and be sipping on a vodka martini while the cashier rings up the items in my shopping trolley. Let's face it, but I am least likely to be friendly when standing in line at the supermarket. Who wouldn’t be? Shopping for food is a bloody necessity and I derive very little pleasure from performing this arduous task “4 Plastic bags, please” are about the only words that escape my mouth as I resolutely load my items on the conveyor. No eye contact, no smiling, no small talk… I really don’t care to hear about the weather in JHB or Cape town or anywhere in South Africa. Your spousal or other relationship issues do not interest me in the least nor does talk about your kids and how expensive things are on shelf. I can see that for myself, thank you very much. Oh and don’t even think of telling me about any health problems that you may or may not have. We are not that close, in fact I barely know you and would like it to remain that way. I may end up in therapy for months and the potential for embarrassment is endless. Allow me to stand resolutely next to the till and stare into space, while I play with the coins in my trouser pocket. On the other hand, if you are hot and single and looking to hook up with me … by all means go ahead and lay it on me... please, I insist. If I am going have to speak to someone and pretend to be interested, it may as well be for the “right” reasons. I am not easy but I am "very" open to new experiences. Yeah I know… I am so shallow… sigh. Vodka Matini, anyone?

Aahh... I return to work after completing my merciless killing spree… killing and devouring chocolate bunnies and chicks that is. And what a massacre it was as my fellow human beings and I embarked on a rampage only rivaled by the carnage on our national roads. I may be a cold-blooded killer, but I am a remorseful one. I feel remorse, if only for a moment, at decapitating and dismembering each and every one of my innocent confectionary friends. They never had a chance to defend themselves. Barely a peep escaped the beaks of the little chicks as I hastily removed the ornate wrapping from their bodies. What a monster I became as I served justice on them for being cute and sweet and squishy and tasty. But oh the blessed fulfillment… the unsurpassed joy of the sugar induced high one gets from licking them and popping their mutilated bodies into one’s salivating mouth! Why am I not made of stronger stuff? Not a task for the skittish and faint of heart… this cursed event comes around but once a year. Hopefully they will have found a cure before the next one comes or I am doomed to repeat the madness.

Well, I have about an hour to go and then it is off for the long weekend. At least it will signal the end of what can best be described as the “the working week from hell”. Why on earth I bothered to come to work is a mystery to me, but I seem to recall that my boss decided to take, as he so aptly put it… some time off, which left kiepie (me) to hold down the fort. As he is hardly ever here… I wonder how he came to the conclusion that it would be time off for him. Seeing as how Easter follows hot on the heels of another public holiday, Human Rights Day, it resulted in a 3-day working week. This meant that most of the people I work with and rely on to do my job are away on leave, taking full advantage of this wonderful opportunity to slack off. The other half, myself included, are barely able to do any work, simply because it becomes a futile exercise. So you hang around the office like a herd of cattle and make small talk, go home early and surf the Internet. Whhoopppeeee… ahem... about as thrilling as curling up in a foetal ball and slowly dying. So in closing I would really like to thank all those who made the holidays and short working week possible… spiritual connotation notwithstanding. Thank you, thank you… thank you! I truly appreciate these days of self induced semi-comatose “euphoria”. Well, the time has come for me to devour some chocolate eggs. Be back on Tuesday. Me... cranky? Don't be silly... Happy Easter!

I saw this in yesterday’s paper and it made me laugh out loud. I dunno which would be worse… the exploitation of this bulls or being visually “accosted” by a barrage of streakers as they make their way though the streets of Pamplona. Although the "perve value" alone may make it seem a worthwhile cause to pursue...haha.

Madrid: The "running of the bulls" in Pamplona could get some serious competition this year - from a rival run by naked humans protesting against cruelty to animals. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (Peta) is asking the town authorities to replace the bull chase with its "Running of the Nudes".

Cape Times, 23 March 2005

Pretoria - South Africa has to remain vigilant against new manifestations of corruption, President Thabo Mbeki said in Pretoria on Tuesday. "...all of us know that those intent on committing crime will continuously seek new ways and means to beat the law enforcement system," he told government, business and civil society representatives. "...we have a particular responsibility to protect the poor and the weak from the corrupt practices of those in powerful positions," he said.

Comment: True… yet the skeptic inside me reminded me that it is better to lead by example and that true "charity begins at home". So how about protecting the poor from all the corrupt practices of ministers in powerful positions first, Mr. President? More: Corrupt officials stealing billions from state- study ( Cape Times – Tues, 22nd March)

Spelling words with flckr is fun

Well, I guess there are no surprises here! The video blog has arrived (well it has actually been around for a while), and like blogging, it has a really stupid name… it is called vidblogging (vlogging?). Yep, here is a chance to truly humiliate yourself (provided you have enough bandwith)… no more words, no more static pictures and no more bad audio. Record yourself with the help of a webcam, post it on your page and people can watch your "show." Behold the joys of self expression! Not so long ago it was a major “achievement” to own your own website… although getting it up and running and maintaining was kinda “expensive”. Then came blogging, a place where people could prattle mindlessly about anything and everything they want. An opportunity to have your say and say it for all the world to “hear”. Next we had the audio blog, others could actually hear what you sound like, even though they could not understand a single word you were saying… what with your funny accent and all. Haha… When you think about it, Vidblogging is the logical next step… and it was only a matter of time before the need to put more of ourselves out there overcame all rational thought. Now everyone can see what you look alike, critique your every flaw and focus on your looks instead of what you have to say or share with them. Screw the content and bring on the beautiful people! What is next? The tactile blog where you can actually touch someone else’s ass? However, back to the present… the vidblog. I wonder what it it will take to convince the Hilton sisters to start theirs.

At last... the universe settles the score! Tony Danza gets what he "deserves" for the torture and pain inflicted on us with the 80's tv show "Who's the Boss". Tsk, Tsk... some people just do not know how to age with dignity and grace. Hahahahaha!!!!

1. Sex Doll Sparks Bomb Alert at Postoffice BERLIN (Reuters) - A blow-up sex doll sparked a bomb alert in a German post office after it started to vibrate inside a package awaiting delivery, police said Wednesday.

"Order was restored after the sender removed the doll's batteries so the defective product could be returned"

2. "If I could speak English, I would..." An ad for a language school in Japan asks would-be students to complete the sentence, "If I could speak English, I would..." Ads with quotes from "real people" in Japan are often written by copywriters, but even if these aren't actual answers, the responses provide a glimpse into the process of a Japanese company selling English to possible customers. Here is a translation of several responses:

I would go by myself to buy in London antique shops

I would lecture the loud foreigners on the train.

I would raise my children in America: one artist, one computer programmer.

I would watch DVDs without subtitles.

I would do a satisfying amount of experiments at an American company that provided research money.

I would make all my subordinates Americans and start a hamburger joint with great atmosphere.

I would live in a house where I could wake up and dive right into the pool

3. The Vatican vs. Dan Brown VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - The cardinal leading the Vatican's charge against The Da Vinci Code urged Catholics on Wednesday to shun it like rotten food and branded the bestseller "a sack full of lies" insulting the Christian faith. In an interview with Reuters inside the Vatican, Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone also said Catholic bookstores should take the thriller off their shelves and accused U.S. author Dan Brown of "deplorable" behavior. 4. UK shoe dumping mystery Pairs of shoes are being left in mysterious circumstances outside a remote farmhouse in Lincolnshire. Jason and Claire Foster, who live near Market Rasen, do not know who is doing it or why they have left as many as four pairs of shoes at one time. 5. KFC sells southern fried toxic dye to Chinese consumers The front page of today's Beijing News dedicates the headline and photo to KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken). The company has openly admitted that the presence of Sudan I - a red, chemical dye which is thought to contribute to cancer - has been discovered in two products sold on the Chinese market: the 'New Orleans Roast Chicken Wings' and the 'New Orleans Roast Chicken Legs'. As of yesterday, these two Southern chickens will not be seen around the Capital for some time. Together with articles commenting on the news, the newspaper published the official letter issued by the Pepsi China Corporation - proprietor of the KF 6. Butler rewrites Google pages and adds functionality Mark Pilgrim has released an amazing browser enhancer called "Butler" (requires Firefox and Greasemonkey) that adds loads of functionality to Google:

# removes ads on most Google pages #fixes fonts on most Google pages #Google web search:

adds links to other search sites ("Try your search on...")

in news results, adds links to other news sites

in movie results, adds links to other movie sites

in weather results, adds links to other weather sites

in product results, adds links to other product sites

# Google image search:

adds links to other image/photo/art sites

# Google News:

adds links to other news sites

# Froogle:

adds links to other product sites

# Google Print:

Removes image copying restrictions

adds links to other book sites

# Google Toolbar Firefox page:

adds links to other Firefox-friendly toolbars

Saint Paddy's Day came and went and I can only say.... Hallmark managed to commercialise and screw up yet another holiday. Thank God I am not Irish and do not live in Ireland! If you happen to be in Dublin this week... this is what you have to look forward to:

This years Festival runs from March 16th - March 20th. St. Patrick's Festival is a five day party offering an exciting programme of entertainment highlighting some of the best artistry and flair the country has to offer and most events are free. Over the 5 days of the Festival, audiences can look forward to music, fireworks, street theatre and dance. There's also a treasure hunt, visual art exhibitions, family fun and of course the best and most eagerly anticipated St. Patrick's Day Parade in the world.

My interpretation: One big shag and booze fest!!!

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Growing older sucks and old age is not something that I or anyone else, for that matter, look forward to. But seeing as I have no choice in the matter, I would like to live out the last days my life like these two geezers… Yaaa-farkin’-hoooooo!! From this.....................................................................To this! Now this is what I would call "growing old in style"… looking like my grandfather and behaving like my horny 13 year old brother. Yikes...!!!

I finally managed to see Constantine and have to admit that I found it entertaining, despite what the critics have to say. It puts an interesting spin on the whole concept of “good vs evil” and the battle for the souls of mankind. Movies of this genre appeal to me... it appeals to my fantasies, it resonates in the recesses my brain, speaks to my darker side,the side I keep hidden. Isn’t interesting that how one entity can only exist in the presence of an opposite and equal entity? There can be no good if there is no evil and vice versa… and the one can best be described in terms of its opposite. Light and dark, heaven and hell, man and woman, cruelty and kindness… they all exist because of the stark contrast between them. Each contained within its own boundaries… sometimes distinct and physical but more often they are variable, linked to our own conscience and the moral and social norms of the society we live in. Yet it is clear, without the one the other would simply be… but would it exist? As in the movie… there is seemingly an area of overlap, a grey area where the boundaries are blurred, a place where bits of the one intermingles with bits of the other in the same way as light and dark co-exists briefly at sunrise and again at sunset. Constantine’s character exists in that common yet separate plain between good and evil, light and dark, heaven and hell. Sometimes I feel as if I live there too. My life is a pairing of opposites. They are the source of my weaknesses and also my greatest strengths. I would even go as far as saying that I am a living contradiction. I am both man and child. I can be good and bad… flippant and serious… happy and sad. Sometimes I do nothing but bum around all day long and other times I want to take on the world and turn it upside down. I want to talk about politics, history, philosophy, sociology and my heart bleeds for all that is wrong in this world. I hate everything and like it at the same time. I want what I cannot have, yet what I do have, gives me no pleasure. I am a whore ravaged by my own emotions. I exist because of the many sides to my being… it gives me dimension, depth, it makes me interesting… it gives me the ability to charm, entertain and mesmerize those around me, and at the same time piss people off, make them angry, make them hate me. Those that know me will tell you I am a thinker. I have often been accused of thinking too much, of over-analyzing trivialities. My mom used to say I am like a dog chasing its own tail. Perhaps she is right… but then I can only say I am in good company… wouldn’t you agree?

"It’s one thing to talk about how software apps or online stores are collecting personal data, but it’s completely weak to try and get people scared about the prospect of their iPod divulging sensitive data, especially when there has never been an instance of this happening.

Look, we know that before and especially after the Paris Hilton thing it’s been pretty fashionable to write scare pieces about how our gadgets are going to give us away, but this is drivel, plain and simple"

- Originally Posted by Peter Rojas @ Engadget.com - 10th March, 2005 (Read more)

Well, whaddaya know?! Go ahead and bitch-slap me with a bunch of Hanepoot grapes! It seems all is not well in the fairest Cape, South Africa’s premier holiday destination. It may one of the most beautiful places in the world, laid back and people may flock in from all over to visit, but the Cape has the ‘highest rate of racism’ in the country. Cause for concern? I would hasten to say one can hardly reach a conclusion based on the number of cases reported. I also do not know what the significance might be other than that we too have racists living in South Africa, as everywhere else in the world. One has to ask how significant 140 reported cases are in the South African perspective or any in country for that matter. Experience has taught me that the unreported cases are what one really has to worry about. They usually outstrip those reported in number and severity. Perhaps the people of the Western Cape are merely better at reporting and taking perpetrators to task? I’d venture to say there may be more to this than mere reporting of the numbers. Some people may say 140 cases is 140 too many... well wake up and smell the coffee buddy boy… we do live in a real world after all! Perspective.... Another opinion...

I have been invited to attend a party on Friday night. There is a long weekend ahead which culminates in Human Rights Day on Monday, 21st March. I guess that is a good enough reason for most people to party it up and kick the weekend off with a celebration… and who am I to deny them that privilege. Now, I love a good party as much as the next person… I love the opportunities a good party presents to a guy like me… an opportunity to meet people, socialize, behave scandalously, make a complete and utter fool of myself with women and still be vain enough to pretend that others see me as a relatively cool guy. Yep cheap thrills and not-so-cheap frills… that is what I live for. The last party I was at was NOT exactly memorable and for the first time in quite a while I am not keen on going. People drank, laughed, had meaningless conversations, hooked up and sneaked off to have sleazy sex, stumbled, puked and made asses of themselves… you know… all the ingedients that make up a good party. The dj played deafening house and rap music. People throwing their hands up in the air and waving them like they just don’t care. Shouting “Oh yeah” at the top of their lungs, even though no self respecting young person living in the 21st century would be caught dead doing that. I guess someone should actually wake them up to the fact… but I’ll leave the pleasure of doing so up to someone who actually cares. People desperately trying to impress others, clinging to an identity, portraying an image that at best can only be described as pathetic. Drones… desperately trying to be different, yet alike in so many ways. And all of this left me cold and wondering what was doing there. I tried to drown my self in a sea of alcohol and meaningless encounters, allowing my passions to lead me on. I remember thinking that I am selling my soul to the devil for my own hedonistic purposes when I should be using it as collateral or leverage to "finance" personal gain or at least auction it off to the highest bidder. Life sucks when you try and make too much sense of it all. I think I will crawl back into my cozy little cocoon, and hibernate for a while. Come Friday night… despite my sobering thoughts at the last party, I will probably be there to join the “wave it like you just don’t care” crowd. I will live my life of contradictions for a little while longer. Don’t think that a butterfly will fly forth from this cocoon anytime soon.

Britney Spears, God bless her heart (sniff), believes that she has just the cure for Michael Jackson's woes. The 23-year-old popstar suggested that Jackson, who is on trial for sexual abuse, should grow some facial hair, get drunk and have a punch-up. (Read article) Well, there you have it folks... I dunno about you... but I am bloody speechless! As for Michael's reaction to Britney's advice... I have heard that he is now even whiter than he was. I wonder if she has any words of advice for our very own, mampara, Shabir Shaik? While on the subject of cures... here is a "must-buy" for men from all over the world! This is Dr Samual Carter's Cure for an Uncontrolled TV Soap Addict who is obsessed with following every word in all of the family sagas! I bought a case of 24 - for each of my 24 ex's (one good "doos" deserves another or is that one good turn?)... and besides you get a discount when you buy in bulk. Totally wicked!

I AM PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN and if I had the opportunity to live anywhere else in the world I would choose to live in South Africa. It grates my gruyere when I come across “You know you are from South Africa when…” memes. I understand they are tongue in cheek, mere hyperbole, and not to be taken seriously, but my God, is it really necessary to flaunt the somewhat “criminal aspects” of living in South Africa to the world out there? Surely there are other unique yet positive and funny aspects to the South African psyche and culture… things that separate us from the rest of the world, things that one can only experience here. Why not flaunt these instead? I am convinced that these memes are written by disgruntled expats who still feel the need to justify themselves in the eyes of the world and hence the need to highlight the bad aspects of the country they left, which for most part, are not true. Below is one of those “You know you are from South Africa when…” memes, albeit it outdated. I am posting it here in the hopes that this will be the last time I ever have to lay eyes on it and to illustrate just how truly ridiculous they are. These lists are mostly intended to amuse... but some of them have a seemingly nasty edge. I am a South African and have a sense of humour. I can laugh at this because quite franky speaking… a good laugh is all it is good for! Now that my friend... is how you know you are from South Africa... when you can laugh in the face of adversity... mmmwahahahaha

• You realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the rest of the world.
• To alleviate congestion in post office queues, they bring in the innovative idea of selling scratch cards.
• You are expected to carry a drivers licence that doesn't fit into your wallet.
• The fact that there is an election and people are standing in line waiting to vote is more important than the result of the election.
• The police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle of the night but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police station.
• People would rather be killed in their beds than live in some country where they would have to get up and make it themselves.
• A minibus taxi overtakes you, just to stop right in front of you.
• When the road narrows, the guy to the rear of you has right of way.
• You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.
• Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.
• You have to prove you don't need a loan to get one.
• A shop clerk makes you feel as if he/she is doing you a favour by letting you buy from their shop.
• You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.
• Ruwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.
• The police ask you if they should follow up on the burglary you've just reported.
• You paint your car's registration number on the roof in large letters.
• When 2 Afrikaans TV programs are seperated by a Xhosa anouncement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Pedi ad.
• The government has more opposition from themselves, than from any opposition party.
• A minister is fired, and returns the government cell phone, but keeps the G-number-plated BMW.
• A 45 year old engineer is replaced by a 25 year old who cannot write his own name.
• The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.
• Half the city pays for the other halve's electricity and water supply.
• A murderer gets a 2 year sentence, and a pirate M-Net viewer a 6 month sentence.
• Crime actually DOES pay.
• The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just finished viewing.
• The government GIVES you a house, and you complain.
• You can't even go on a business trip to Oz without somebody asking knowingly, "Oh, having a look around, are you? ..."
• You attempt to get onto a freeway via an on-ramp and the guy approaching on the freeway deliberately speeds up to prevent you merging smoothly with the traffic.
• There is more space between the sole of your foot and the accelerator pedal than between your rear bumper and the car behind you.
• People would rather drive a flashy car with HUGE repayments and MASSIVE insurance than live in a decent house.
• The post office stores letters instead of delivering them.
• An employer has to pay his employees wages during a strike and cannot lock them out.
• Cops are always able to spot you for parking without display while never able to see the minibus taxis parking in the middle of the road.
• SABC 3 is SABC 2 after 18:30, only in KwaZulu-Natal, except on the weekend.
• Petrol takes the biggest price jump in history, the banks increase their interest rates by two percent, and the Rand's value dives by 25%, but we are told that "we have just had the lowest inflation rate increase in 24 years".
• You go to prison for murder, and instead of the death sentence, you get a nice box of condoms.
• Pre-election promises change into "Rome wasn't built in a day".
• The Minister of Housing didn't build a single house.
• The Minister of Finance doesn't wear a tie.
• The Minister-without-Portfolio makes more noise than all the portfolios put together, and then, when he's given a portfolio, you never hear from him again.
• The Minister of Tourism is the same person who said "One Settler, One Bullet".
• You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather.
• You call a bathing suit a "swimming costume".
• You stop at robots, not traffic lights.
• You've never seen live theatre, but you've heard of it.
• You only drink instant coffee and in fact have no clue why anyone would bother drinking anything else.
• You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you've never had any.
• None of the programs on the five available TV channels run on time.
• You think a car's hazard lights mean, "F*** you, I'm stopping here."
• Your standard response to any statement is, "Is it?" (Pronounced, "Izzit?")
• You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them.
• You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela.
• You go to "braais" (barbecues) regularly, where you eat boerewors (long meaty sausage-type thing) and swim, sometimes simultaneously.
• The electricity goes off and you see it as a sign of The Collapse of Civilization (tm).
• The electricity comes back on, and you check to see if there are any soccer or cricket games on TV - why else would ESCOM have fixed the electricity so quickly?
• "Armed Response" is not an action, it's a description of every security company in the country.
• You actually bought baked beans in 1994 before the elections.
• You feel it is your democratic duty to vote.
• You have a gear lock for your car.
• You come out of a friend's house/shopping centre/office to find the gear lock worked and your car is still there, but your radio, tapes, jersey and every other removable thing you had in the car is gone, and you just sigh, shrug and go home.
• You know the urban legend about the Oriental Plaza.
• You gawk at American tourists. They're so rare.
• Someone mentions the sea, and your first thought is "Durban" although you wouldn't actually go there.
• You've been up Table Mountain.
• You've been to the Kruger National Park, but only as a child when your school arranged a tour.
• You've never seen snow in real life.
• You know what 'water restrictions' are.
• Tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes and volcanoes are only known to you through disaster movies, but you're intimately acquainted with floods and droughts.
• You go to a shopping mall and have to keep detouring around people who stop dead in the middle of the aisle when something catches their interest.
• You go to a New Year street party in Hillbrow and wake up in hospital.
• You know that there's nothing to do in the Free State.
• You shout "Vrystaat!" at rugby games, local or international, even when Vrystaat (the Free State) isn't playing.
• You think that the people who paint their faces the colour of the SA flag look really cool. You still rub people's noses in the fact that we won the 1995 Rugby World Cup.
• The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response when they are burgled.
• You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from South Africa.

Bite me!!

Lilongwe - Malawi President Bingu wa Mutharika has temporarily moved out of his state mansion, claiming it is haunted by ghosts, a senior aide said. The Reverend Malani Mtonga, presidential aide on Christian affairs, said that Mutharika had asked the clergy to pray to "exorcise evil spirits". Read article here - IOL: Africa, 14th March 2004. My advice... forget the friggin' ghosts... invite them over for a cup of java or tea and biscuits. Perhaps they'll join the party. There are far bigger problems to worry about... like staying in power until the next general election.

I reckon celebrities should be declared an endangered species. Not because there are so few of them, but because the world and all of its citizens reserve the right declare open season on your celebrity ass for whatever possible reasons. One only has to read the newspapers and the tabloids… not matter where you turn… celebs are constantly being criticized, scrutinized, crucified, accused and taken to ask. The latest American celeb to come under public scrutiny… Bill Cosby! Yep, TV’s goody-two-shoes funny Dad allegedly drugged a woman and tried to fondle her. Now I am not in a position to decide whether these allegations are true of false, but what I do know is that these allegations starkly contradict the image he projects and the one I have of him. He has, over the years, built a solid career as a narrator of family friendly comedy… based solely on his own experiences growing up and how he sees black America. It is sad and painful to see his authority compromised by the allegations, yet I am reminded that we are all morally fallible, even Bill Cosby. Now, incapacitating a person in order to take advantage of them when you know they are dead-set against it, is NOT something I am in favour of. But in thinking about it briefly, hehehe, I believe men have been doing what Bill is accused of for centuries. Perhaps not quite on the same scale as said incident and perhaps there is some form of prior consent, but we’ve been buying woman drinks for years in the hopes of getting laid. And in fact women have made us believe that, on some level, it is ok to do so. Throw in a bag of weed, a few recreational drugs, and you can pretty much consider yourself laid. Gonna get me a little something something tonight! A box of chocolates, dinner, a movie, and flowers may be the civilized and gentlemanly way of going about it, but liquor is just so much faster.

What do you do when your brand spanking new vehicle gives you trouble and you cannot get any joy from the manufacturer? Why… you take out a R22,000 half-page advert in the local newspaper and address it to… yep, the Managing Director of the company in question of course. Duh… ?? This is precisely what an irate Cape Town businessman did in an open letter on page 4 of yesterday’s Cape Times. In it, Andy Gray described in detail how the Range Rover he bought from Land Rover gave him problems from the day it was delivered until it finally broke down earlier this year outside Victoria West. The Range Rover TD6 is still under guarantee and despite repeated phone calls from Gray to the Dealer in Oudtshoorn (the nearest dealer), repairs on the vehicle was delayed due to authorization from Land Rover SA. Go figure! I salute the ingenuity and resourcefulness of this man! At last, someone who is willing to do more than just stand up to the powers that be and he does so in grand style. Andy Gray will be heard and listened to… even if it takes R22,000 to get it done! We all have at some time in the past called to complain or wrote and indignant litany of complaint about crap service we received. Mostly these attempts fall on deaf ears and I am convinced that corporations basically wear us down in the knowledge that if they ignore something long enough or get you to eventually chase you own tail, you would simply give up. Let this be a wake-up call to all those the companies out there who believe that merely answering up the phone, frustrating the consumers and filing his complaint away is what customer service is all about. Land Rover gracefully admitted that 'nothing in Gray's letter is untrue'... incredibly brave of them to do so... but I am afriad that the damage has already been done. Power to the man in the street!! (Read article – news24.co.za)

How much bliss is there really in ignorance? I wish I had the answer to this question. For then I would be able to shut up all those people who use this phrase in defense of their own lack of knowledge and involvement. What I do l know is that I will never be able to plod along in a pink cloud of blissful ignorance or even vaguely pretend that I do not care about what goes on around me. Not knowing the answers, not being involved, not having an opinion, silence in the face of adversity… not a part of who I am. I constantly yearn to know more and to explore new ideas and theories, outside my current reality. I take pride in knowing what goes on around me so that I can become involved in the plight of my fellow man. The more I learn, the more I am convinced that there is still more for me to learn... to discover and explore. Sometimes the knowledge I so zealously acquire overwhelms me and some days it scares the shit out of me when I realise just how little I really know. It almost seems as if my search for knowledge and the yearning to be “involved” only serves to make me unsure of who I am and what I have already acquired. Am I suffering from information overload? I there any point to my hunger for knowledge other than it being hopeless quest? Perhaps I should I learn to relax and adopt a less driven attitude. Chill more. We can never know all there is to know and perhaps it is better to be content with what I already know. I have it on good authority, from those in the know, that ignorance is quite easily achieved if you only put your mind to it. As easy as flicking a switch, perhaps? People who live their lives in ignorance may on some level be happier than those who constantly feel the need to do and know more. Is this the bliss they talk about? Is the quest for happiness and contentment more important than the acquisition of knowledge? I guess these questions must have crossed the minds of most of us at one point or another. I am not very sure what exactly is meant by "the search for knowledge” and what the true purpose of such a search would be. I only know that I am one of those people who constantly thirst for more… who needs to be “involved” with the world.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince takes up the story of Harry Potter's sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry at this point in the midst of the storm of this battle of good and evil. The author, J.K. Rowling has already said that the Half-Blood Prince is neither Harry nor Voldemort. And most importantly, the opening chapter of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince has been brewing in J.K. Rowling's mind for 13 years. With 128 days to go until publication (16th July 2005) of what looks certain to become the most poular book in the world before it's even on the shelves, Bloomsbury has fuelled the fever today with their unveiling of the covers for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Childrens version on left, and adult version on right)

You have got to love South African celebrities (and I use the term loosely). They may be stuck at the bottom of nowhere and the rest of the world may not even know they exist, but they sure now how to stir up on the local scene and create a scandal of their own. None is more apt at doing this than our very own Amore Vittone … hahaha… local pop diva and wannabe Britney Spears… haha… I actually referred to her as a pop diva! This woman seriuosly believes that South Africans are interested in her life, what she does, who she sees and where she goes on a daily basis. Hey, the Brits have Posh and Becks and we have Amore and... well... ahem... Joost. The two of them are seemingly set on assailing the South African population on as many fronts as possible. Anways, back to the topic at hand... The latest celebrity scandal… none another than the perky Patricia Lewis, our very own blond Barbie, who starred in a German soft porn movie! (think limp-dicked late night erotica on MNET and e!). Well, I never…! It is a German erotic flick called Dark Desires: The other side of the moon. It was made in South Africa for German television in 1996 (You have got to hand it to those Germans, man). Patricia admits to starring in the movie, but denies simulating sex, saying a body double was used for the sex and nude scenes. She does however admit to going topless and frolicking and kissing another woman. Apparently there is another well known South African actress in the movie, but she is not getting half the publicity Patricia is getting for this one. From a male perspective, I can only see good things coming from this… it will certainly take her “celeb” and pin-up status to new heights and she may even eclipse rival diva Amore. I think the South African public will be rather forgiving of her little “faux pas”, as well they should be. She got married recently and became a mother soon after. Now if that is not a solid gesture to all of us that she has cleaned up her act, then nothing else will do it for her. She will of course have to be content with the knowledge that now and future generations of South African teenage boys will masturbate to nude images of her on the dvd... yep… immortality achieved! (see images)

Last Friday night we went to the movies. Haha… I wanted to watch Constantine... but soon realised that was not going to happen, even if I did a back-flip and did a “handstand“ on my penis. We eventually settled on Hitch, starring the inimitable Will Smith. I am not a particular fan of this genre, but I was pleasantly surprised and have to admit that I quite enjoyed watching the movie. Of course Will’s antics and smoothness made me seem like a complete moron when it comes to romance. I was nudged in the ribs many times during the film, as if to say; “ take note you zero in the romance department, these are the kind of things you have to do for me henceforth”. For those of you who have not seen it, here’s some background - it's about a dating guru (Will Smith) who works with clients, mostly inept men, to help them get over their awkwardness with woman and get them to and beyond the first date. He helps them to say the right things, make the right moves and get the girl to see beyond the obvious flaws and shortcomings. The smoothness and the level at which he operates is an inspiration... something well worth seeing. Of course most guys aren’t as smooth and in tune with women as Will’s character and it kinda highlights all of your many shortcomings… perhaps that is a good enough reason why I reckon married/guys with girlfriends should NOT go and see this movie with the partner. So, be warned and do so at your own peril! Ha… just kidding of course, but admittedly he makes ordinary guys (meaning mostly me) look really bad and if it wasn’t for my girl’s fantastic sense of humour… well need I say more. I have about as much finesse when it comes to romance as a lumberjack has when cutting down a tree. That is, I am insensitive, brutal, clumsy and a big oaf. I remember our fist couple of dates… I had to get pointers from my sister on what to do and what not to do. Thankfully we have moved beyond the awkward initial phase and are now much more in tune with one another. She knows me for who I am and understands that my lack of romantic gestures is not through lack of trying… I honestly have no inkling of what a guy is supposed to do.

Ayanda Dlondlo, Head of Gauteng's department of community safety; "the three metro police services in Gauteng had to focus on speed law enforcement because it is an important source of revenue for the relevant municipality". News24.com - Wednesday, 9 March 2005 The above statement does not surprise me at all… I'm disappointed perhaps… but not surprised at all. And why the hell should it surpise me? Why would road safety and the safety of drivers and passengers take precedence when there is money to be made from it? Why prevent the offence from being committed in the first place when there is no money to be made from doing so. Oh sure, you kill a few people here and there, but who says life has to be just and fair. And besides, the sound of money in the till makes it all better. Sigh... Ignorance truly is bliss. Go figure!!!

A new dimesion has been added to dick-wagging pissing contest! I don't think that the truth regarding the death of Italian intelligence agent, Nicola Calipari, in Iraq will ever be known. In order for that to happen, "SOMEONE" will have to admit to being at fault and that is clearly unthinkable. The US has does not have a track record of admitting to 'scew ups' when it is committed by their side. It is as simple as that. I bet they will tie this one up in diplomatic red tape for as long as they deem necessary and bury it under a pile of rock in Bagdhad. See how long it took to finally admit that there were no Weapons of Mass Destuction in Iraq. And even when they finally did... the spin doctors were already taking their defense on the war in Iraq to the next level.

Italy's foreign minister has demanded the US "identify and punish" those responsible for the death of an Italian intelligence agent in Iraq. The US says shots were fired because the vehicle was speeding and did not heed troops' warnings for it to stop. BBC NEWS Tuesday, 8 March 2005

Best of luck to you Mr foreign minister. A monumental fuck up if you ask me, but who's counting!

I am now more convinced than ever that the past is best left as it is and that one can never go back to the way things were, in a manner of speaking. Not that I would ever want to relive the past, but there are moments when one longs back to times when things were easier to deal with, a lot less complicated and not weighed down by the trappings of success. I met up with a few old friends over the weekend. These are buddies that I have grown up with, my crew, and we spent most of our teens and early adulthood together. Inseparable, is how people described us. We have had many adventures together… some good, some bad, but mostly these are the friends that have shaped my thinking, my goals and ideals, my life and I would sooner die than have anything bad happen to anyone of them. Seeing them again and being together for the first time and what seemed like ages was a truly fulfilling experience and made this weekend one that I will remember for a long time to come. Between the booze and the noise and the “juvenile” antics, I could not help but notice, and I am sure they have to, how much we have changed over the past 5 years. By and large we are still the same people, yet we have all changed in subtle ways. Ways that make you tilt your head, raise an eyebrow and think to yourself… “Wow, I never thought Tom would be capable of doing that” or “That way of thinking is so unlike the Michael I knew from 5 years back” I guess it is a good thing… people grow and change and that perhaps is the one constant you can depend on. Hopefully we become better people as we mature, but I also hope that we would be able to hold onto that which makes us unique and special. I trust my buddies had the same good thoughts about me as I had about them. The connection we shared all those years back is still there, but we have new dimensions to our personalities and psyche that was not there before. I guess things could have taken a turn for the worse and I may have been freaked by some of the things they got up to since we last got together. The last couple of years had its ups and downs but on the whole all of us have been fairly successful and we made things happen on a personal and professional level. A trend I trust will continue for the next 5 years and beyond. So here’s to the future… the past can never be relived and as we continue to grow older, despite life's inevitable major or minor changes, it is good to know that you can always rely on the people who matters to you, even if they and you are constantly evolving and growing.

In Buddhist teaching, the law of karma, says only this: "for every event that occurs, there will follow another event whose existence was caused by the first, and this second event will be pleasant or unpleasant according as its cause was skillful or unskillful."' I have always believed in karma… or at least in the Western interpretation of what karma means. I believe in “what goes around come around” and that there has to be balance in the universe. I believe that people will get their just rewards and that karma will even the scorecard. I believe in karma... NOT because I want to, but because I need to believe in something that will allow me to make sense of all the crap I have to deal with every day. Karma, for me least, is the great equalizer and I take comfort that those who do unto others will get what’s coming to them. The thing that pisses me off about karma, is how long it takes for to come around and how many “bad” people are walking around on earth relatively un-freakin-scathed, going about their business as if they are untouchable while the rest of us suffer at their hands. Are they punished for what they do? Well seemingly not… in fact they seem to prosper and live seemingly happy lives, completely oblivious of the hurt and pain they inflict on others. Unbelievable!! My boss being a perfect case in point. If anything, karma should let his dick shrivel up to the size of a raisin. Let’s see him fuck his secretary with that…. yeahhh… If I had my way karma would come into effect rather swiftly, perhaps not instantly … but at least while you are alive and able to bear witness that no bad deed goes unpunished and vice versa when it comes to doing good. And way not, I ask you? I know karma works on a grand cosmic scale, but can we speed things up a little... lets say, by a few hundred years! Can you imagine what the world would be like if this was the case? I bet G’Dubya would have thought twice about invading Iraq if he knew karma was there to even the score. But in stead… what happens… he gets re-elected and now has 4 more years to inflict even more pain on the innocent and defenseless. Wherein lies the justice in that?! It is a beautiful thing… karma… I for one can see the merit of it… but then I want to work my way. Swiftly and justly… that is my motto.

1. Hello and how are you? People who greet you by asking you how you are and then walk away before you can answer them. What am I fucking supposed to do? Run after you and tell you that I was having a good day until you greeted me… and now I am out of breath because I had to run after you? Perhaps I should just yell as you walk away? Next time you ask me a question only for the sake of asking it… stuff your bloody head in a blender and keep it running until you’ve mangled your face. Walk on by… asshole! 3. Technologically advanced? Renting a dvd from the video hire, coming home and finding that it either does not play or that it stops playing half-way through the movie. Driving all the way back to the video shop to find that there are; - no more copies available because you took the last one - f ind another copy and it does not work properly - take another title and it too does not work - left wondering for days how the movie ends Fuck dvd’s…. I am going retro and will rent video cassettes from now on! Cheaper too… 3. Trashy T-shirts Especially when worn by snotty young kids who have no idea how trashy the slogan really is… like "Amateur gynaegologyist... at your cervix" or "Wrinkled... for your pleasure". They walk around the mall, "assaulting" you with one-liners that will make an adult blush. Fuck off you little pimple-faced melonhead… Go home and masturbate and shove your T-shirt down the throats of your trailer trash parents... trash appreciates trash!

Young Designers Emporium's new advertising campaign, which features an Internet game where points are scored by the number of times a woman is spanked and bruised, has caused outrage among women's right groups in South Africa. Says Nicro spokes woman, Cindy Celliers; "For a shop that young women and men look up to, to be sending a message that it's okay to beat a woman and to make it glamorous, is wrong." Paul Simon, YDE managing director, said the campaign featured both a man and a woman being spanked but the picture of the woman was chosen for the Internet because it was the "better shot". It is meant to be fun and irreverent." Read article here Strangly, NO ONE, not even Cindy Celliers, objected to the spanking of the guy! I betcha she gave her own "cyber paddle" a good workout on his tight little ass... raunchy Mama!

Truly good friends are hard to come by and friends who are willing and brave enough to talk to you about things that bother them, are even rarer. A very good friend of mine asked me on the weekend why I am so angry at the world. He wanted to know what had happened to the laid-back level headed person that he knows me to be. I was sort of taken aback by his comment - I have never thought of myself as an angry person, nor as a person who has unresolved issues for that matter. Actually, I am fairly happy and content. For all practical purposes I am exactly where I want to be, both personally and professionally, and whom I want to be with. Sure there are things that irk me and there are a few things I would like to change, but on the whole I consider myself privileged and fortunate. He based his comment on a recent event and said it make me seem like a very angry person. On the one hand I resent being watched that closely, while on the other hand, I appreciate that others care enough to be concerned about my well-being. If I have to be honest with myself, I have to admit that I can sometimes be fairly emotional. I am a little high-stung and some times react to situations rather than to the issues at hand. I resent it when I'm wronged and I'm protective of those I care for. I do not suffer fools gladly and I have been known to be opinionated and defend my beliefs strongly. Reflection is good for the soul, I maintain, and so I shall reflect on recent events in my life and how they may have affected my behaviours and who I have become. Rid myself of the anger, in manner of speaking…

Pet hate: Gits at the office who fancy themselves as experts on a subject they in fact know very little about. Usually the sudden bout of expertise is brought about by an article they have read, a TV program they have seen or someone (another git) they have spoken to… take your pick, there are many sources of information out there. They may not all be credible, but that is for the person to decide and to ensure. Now I have no problem when somone has an ass-burning desire to increase their knowledge or to have an opinion on a current event or something of interest. It is all good… knowledge is power, as they say. But for God’s sake people, if you are going to have an opinion or decide to air your views… please check your facts, take the time to do some research before taking the bold step to unleash your opinion on the rest of the world. You owe it to yourself and your audience to make sense and not to come across as a babbling friggin' idiot. Not only will this save you embarrassment, but it will also ensure that the rest of us, who have the unfortunate disposition of listening to you, can actually learn somethig as well.... other than dying of boredom and the intense desire to lobotomise ourselves with a hot poker. And when someone asks you a question on the subject of your newly acquired expertise, be mature enough to admit when you do NOT know the answer. Spewing forth garbled gibberish when you do to not have a clue what you are trying to say, will only strengthen the realization that you are indeed the village idiot! A very anticlimactic event! So let's stop getting friendly with one another for no reason and stop trying to impress me with a view or insight you stole from someone else. Can the chit-chat and the pseudo intellectual ramblings. If you have delusions of grandeur and fancy yourself to be intellectually superior, go on and impress those who are even more challenged than you are. I prefer to masturbate, rather than listening to your claptrap. Harumph....